


On Our Own

by EmeraldVV_117



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes is innocent, Captain America Civil War Alternate Ending, Coming out of the Closet, Everett Ross is a good bro, Everybody Ships It, Everyone has made terrible mistakes and eventually feels guilty, Everyone just needs a hug and a break, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Hiding from the World, How Do I Tag, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, I'M STILL ADDING TAGS, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, Scott Lang is a total fangirl, Steve didn't do EVERYTHING wrong, Talk of Suicide, Thaddeus Ross is totally an asshole though, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Zemo is not entirely a villain, bad memories, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-08-09 07:37:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7792600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldVV_117/pseuds/EmeraldVV_117
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are no teams in this side of Civil War. Everyone has chosen to sign the accords, except Steve Rogers. When he helps Bucky escape custody, the two of them are left on their own as everyone has betrayed them, even the Avengers. With the help of Scott Lang, who is apparently a professional at hiding people, the two run away from the government and the world and find a place to live on their own and attempt to rebuild some peaceful life together and reestablish their friendship and maybe even more than that. This new life will not be easy, and the hardest part isn't hiding from the world; it's forgiving themselves of their pasts and fixing their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Am I Really Worth All This?

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: I started writing this when I was going through a point of depression and just decided to make something more of it later so it is very dark at some points. At the same time it is a fragile love story with plenty of adorable fluff everywhere along with the darkness so you're welcome.  
> You will see date markings and whose point of view is being seen. This is meant to be in place of Civil War but still following MCU timeline. The date I picked for the first chapter's "Present Day" is May 20th 2016. I'll make it clear when each event is happening. And this story jumps all over the place with flashbacks and forwards so yes it is necessary.  
> The first chapter is very long but the rest will be a bit shorter.  
> I will try to post as often as I can.

(PRESENT DAY) (STEVE)

 

Steve pushed the key in the lock and turned. Once it clicked he opened the door and he and Bucky walked inside their top floor apartment. They left their boots at the door and immediately went to the kitchen to drop off the groceries. The bags were all plopped onto the counter and the two of them removed their baseball caps and sunglasses that meant to serve as their disguises and tossed them onto the corner of the counter. They both sorted everything into its right spot and stored the plastic bags, just in case they would ever need them. After this Steve took off his coat and draped it around the couch in the living room and Bucky did the same and left it on top of Steve’s. Steve noticed Bucky always had three layers of clothes: His thick coat, his red sweater, and a black t-shirt. It was oddly pretty cool in Constanta, Romania at this time and it was still pretty early in the morning, but Steve wondered if Bucky ever got hot with all those layers. He knew the Winter Soldier was used to thick armor, so Bucky probably felt more comfortable. He was also working to hide the metal arm. He took off the sweater next and left the black t-shirt on. He looked at the gleaming of his metal arm for a moment, just kind of admiring it and comparing it to his other arm. 

Steve finally snapped out of his mini moment and went into the one medium sized bedroom to change into something a bit more comfortable. They didn’t have anymore errands to run today and they had food for a few days at least. He switched out his grey sweater and black work pants for his light blue sweatpants and a light blue light t-shirt. He went back to the living room and saw Bucky in the kitchen making something for himself, so he sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels. It was difficult that every channel was in Romanian. He paused for a quick second on a news report coming from the mostly repaired conference building in Vienna, and soon wished he didn’t notice it because now it had his attention. Apparently, the Sokovia Accords were finally signed by all the Avengers. All but one. The broadcast was translated into Romanian but Steve didn’t need Bucky to tell him that Tony Stark was talking about him right now. The billionaire stood proud and tall supporting an expensive suit and sunglasses. The caption underneath him said something in Romanian, but they kept Captain America in English. Steve just sat and listened to the voice over of the translator. 

“He says they’re worried about you. Him and the Avengers.” Steve turned to see Bucky standing in the kitchen doorway. He looked back at the TV. “He says they have no idea where you are but hope you’re alive and well.” The caption underneath changed again, this time the only English was Winter Soldier. “He says they’re sure I am traveling with you.” Steve could feel Bucky’s panic rise, but now he wanted to know what Tony truly had to say. 

Steve heard Bucky swallow hard. He turned to see Bucky looking down. “Bucky, what did he say?”

Bucky glanced up slightly but avoided Steve’s eyes. “They say you are now rogue.”

“Rogue?!” Steve looked back at the screen. He saw a tear rolling down Tony’s face. 

“Your refusal to sign the accords has made you not only leave but also rebel against the Avengers with me. You refused to agree with the United Nations and refuse to work with your fellow Avengers who have given some of their limitless freedom to work peacefully with the UN. Your incapability to accept orders has made you dangerous. You denied simple orders and helped a rogue assassin escape. And now since you are on the run with me, you are considered even more dangerous.” Bucky paused to hear the translator again. Steve was starting to feel angry again. Tony left fake crying and the interviewer stepped in for a moment to say a few words. Bucky started translating again. “If anyone sees either Captain America or the Winter Soldier, you are advised not to engage or acknowledge them. Stay away as they are highly dangerous. Report any suspicions to your local authorities immediately.”

As soon as she was done giving this information, she asked a nearby King T’Challa to say a few words. “Oh we ain’t listening to this anymore.”   
Steve switched the channel before he had to hear T’Challa’s translator.

“Steve, he’s not entirely wrong-”

“I don’t want to hear it Bucky. Tony’s pissed at the Winter Soldier. You couldn’t stop what you did even if you tried. And he knows you and I are not real threats. And T’Challa?!” 

“I swear I didn’t kill his father. I was in Bucharest the past two years.”

“I know, Buck. I believe you.” Steve stood up to go comfort Bucky.

“Steve if you turn me in-”

“Please don’t do this again Buck.”

“Just listen Steve!” Bucky was shaking. “Turn me in.”

Steve shook his head fast. “I’m not doing that and you know it.”

“Steve, you don’t understand it. I am causing all of this. The whole reason this situation has arisen is because of me. You’ve been doing everything to protect me, and I couldn’t appreciate that more. But now your friends think you are dangerous and they all hate you and now they entire world probably hates you now. They probably can’t hate me any worse but now that I have dragged you into my Hell?”

“Bucky I chose to enter this Hell with you when I got you away from the authorities.”

“But I have ruined your life!” He pushed Steve gently out of the way and threw himself down on the couch. He sat there looking to the floor with his hands holding his head. “You had so much. You had a team of freak daredevils that were as bent on protecting the world from bullies are you were. You had the love and respect of the entire world again. The government respected you and gave you everything you could want or need. But your Avengers were your friends and they cared for and about you and trusted and respected you. You may never get that again because of me.”

Steve shook his head again. Bucky remained silent on the couch staring at the ground. Steve finally said, “Bucky, it is somewhat your fault that I am here, that is true. But honestly, I was on my way to being arrested immediately. I prefer being on the run with you than dealing with Stark, the UN, and being locked up.” 

“Steve stop you know I am the reason you’ve done all this.”

“You’re wrong, Buck. I told everyone before the conference that I wasn’t going because I wasn’t signing that. I disagreed with it the day they informed us of it. That is when the other Avengers became less of my friends. They each took turns trying to convince me why I should sign it, but I told each of them it wasn’t happening. If we didn’t sign the accords, we would have to retire. I told everyone there was no way I’m retiring, but I’m not letting the world control who I save and who I let die.” Bucky looked up to Steve when he finished his sentence. He seemed genuinely surprised by Steve’s opposition to this. “They wanted full control of us. I said to them ‘What if they send us somewhere we don’t need to go or what if there’s some place we need to be and they don’t let us go?’ I argued why the world is taking away our freedom and restraining us, but they kept saying this was supposed to win back the trust of the people. They want people to trust us better? That will make us save more lives?” Steve realised he was clenching his fist now and Bucky saw. He started to raise his voice. “How are we supposed to make this world safer if we are waiting for a phone call saying we can go save people? What if the government decides a place doesn’t need saving and the citizens of the world lose faith in us because we were at our homes eating pizza and watching TV while people were dying? Our freedom is being restricted and the freedom and safety of this world is being restricted.” He stopped to calm himself down. “Bucky, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find any real reason to sign that. Even if you hadn’t shown up I was gonna be in trouble sooner or later.”

Bucky looked at Steve for a bit, but soon looked down at the floor again. “I’m still a hassle for you and you know it. You wouldn’t become a wanted and dangerous fugitive. I’m so sorry Steve. I can’t help but think everything we have been through is my fault. I just-” He sighed heavily. Steve wanted him to know it was not entirely his fault, but his helping Bucky escape custody did add way more damage to his rep than he needed already. He knew it would have been much easier to deal with the Avengers and the accords without Bucky. Bucky showing up again ruined all chances of him ever being able to negotiate the accords. But he could care less about the accords now. He had Bucky back. Bucky took a breath and continued, “I just don’t see how I am worth all of this Steve. Why you would go this far to protect me. You have very little chance of ever getting back on good terms with the Avengers and the government. You helping me, a rogue assassin, has ruined it all for you. I’m not worth all this Steve.”

“Bucky you gotta stop this.” Steve sat down on the couch next to Bucky. “Why did I give up what little I had left for you? Why am I doing this now? I’m doing this because you’re my best friend and I have to protect you from the ones that are wrong.”

Bucky laid his hands on his knees. “We’re living on the run for our lives Steve. We are constantly in disguises having to be who we are not. Every second we spend outside is scanning for cameras and watching our conversation and making sure no one gets too close to us. We have no way of supporting ourselves so we are just depending on Lang to get us money or something important. We are living with barely anything. I’ve ruined your reputation, your position, your leadership, your title, and everyone that once trusted you is out looking to arrest the both of us and especially you. Steve, your friends hate you and are hunting for you now. All because I showed up again. You should have let them take me in. You don’t deserve this and I don’t deserve to be free. You know this is truly all my fault.” His voice cracked in that last sentence. He silenced himself quickly after that. 

Steve sat there silent for a minute and just listened to Bucky’s breathing become heavier. Bucky wrapped his arms around himself tightly and avoided Steve’s eyes entirely. Steve knew Bucky only wanted the best for him, and it probably hurt to see his friend go from Captain America: the Hero to Captain America: The World’s Most Wanted. Steve understands that even though his failure to sign the accords was what sparked the fire, Bucky knows he was the igniting flame. He is the real reason they now live in terrible conditions, have to always disguise themselves whenever they go out, and have to depend on a thief that can shrink to the size of an ant for money to buy food and other necessities. But Steve wished Bucky could see he chose to betray the government and his friends and give up his somewhat easy life for this mini Hell they share now. Steve finally took a deep breath and let it out before speaking to Bucky again. “Bucky, I have to do this. You are not a burden to me because I chose to do this. I chose to save you over giving you up for the government to execute you. And my ‘friends’ you talk about? You already heard what I said about their position on the Accords. But they’ve only been my friends for a while. Sure we stopped an alien invasion and an army of moody robots. Sure they’ve been with me since I came out of the ice. But who’s been with me since childhood?” 

Steve brought his arm around Bucky’s shoulder and started to get more stern with him. “Who had to come retrieve my ass from every fight I got into because I was too overconfident to know when to quit? Who had to haul me over their back or shoulders whenever my body would start to burn after a simple half-mile walk? Who had to shove my inhaler down my throat and sometimes give me CPR to ensure I could breathe? Who had to run to the store in the middle of the night, the pouring rain, or sometimes both at once to buy some med that I ran out of? Who was the only one that worked two and sometime three jobs to help pay for my meds and doctor stuff? And who is the only person that ever wanted to actually hang out with me or even be around me? And after the whole serum and everything, who was one of the few that was with me on every single mission and stayed close by the whole time in the last of that war? And who was the one that actually died for me?” 

Steve had to finally stop and catch his breathe. Bucky still stayed silent, but Steve knew he heard him. “Bucky. You have been there for me always. You didn’t have to be. I was way out of your league from the beginning. I was a lost cause and you were bound for great things. I was a scrawny little kid that thought I had no limits. You were always there to set them and save me when I went too far past them. And let’s face it. I was totally lame. No one wanted to be friends with me for any of the reasons I have already said and much more. You did not have to be my protector. You did not have to constantly be there for me. But you were. You practically gave up your life and freedom for me. I can’t go on believing I deserved it and you had to. You didn’t have to but you still stayed with me.” 

He breathed again. Bucky raised his head a bit but not all the way to look Steve in the eye. Steve could still barely see the glimmer of Bucky’s eyes through his dark shoulder-length hair. “You never left me. You never abandoned me. If we were separated you promised over and over again that you would be back with me as soon as you could. You stayed with me always. And you know what you kept telling me? Bucky!” Bucky lifted his head a bit more and Steve grabbed his chin and faced him so they were staring directly in each other’s eyes. “You kept telling me you were always with me till the end of the line. You swore that.” Steve saw a tear form in Bucky’s eye. “And now, even after the Hell we’ve both been through and the Hell that is very sure to come to us, we are staying with each other. That line is not over yet and is nowhere close till reaching the end. Bucky, I swear to you, I am with you till the end of the line.”

The tear streamed down Bucky’s cheek and dripped off onto the couch. More were already following. Bucky clenched his eyes shut and let out a shudder and a sob. Steve reached his arms out and around Bucky and pulled him close to him. Bucky’s head went to Steve’s left side and he buried his face into Steve’s shoulder and neck and just sobbed and cried. Steve could feel the tears staining his shirt, but he didn’t care. He tightened his grip around Bucky and held on as if he never planned on letting him go. And he knew he was never letting him go ever again. No matter how shitty the situation. They were staying together. Bucky was shaking violently with each sob. Steve moved one hand to hold Bucky’s head and lightly brush his hair while his other hand started rubbing soothingly up and down his back. Steve felt Bucky’s arms wrap around his waist and hold on very tightly, as if he was afraid of letting go. Steve stretched his legs so he could pull Bucky closer into his lap. They both held each other close for roughly 10 minutes while Bucky cried into Steve’s shoulder. 

Bucky finally pulled his arms away and broke from Steve’s embrace. Still sniffling and losing a few tears, he got up from the couch and started to walk off, but Steve grabbed his metal fingers and held onto him. Bucky took a deep breath. “I’m going to change into something more comfortable.” His voice was still raspy and shaky. 

Steve nodded and let him go get dressed. He grabbed the remote and started flipping through the channels again. He stopped when he saw the words Star Wars: A New Hope, and judging by the time and format of the Romanian text, it was starting in 10 minutes. Steve went into the kitchen to make popcorn. He silently thanked Scott for giving them extra luxury cash so they weren’t completely poor. Bucky entered the kitchen in another black t-shirt, this one less sweaty and stained with tears, and his grey sweatpants. His eyes were very red and swollen from crying now and Steve hated to see him in such a condition, but he was also glad Bucky was able to cry and release some of his tension and stress. “Star Wars is coming on tv. We have nothing else to do today so I figured we might as well do nothing.”

“What is Star Wars?” Bucky said exhaustedly. 

Steve had to remember Bucky wasn’t able to get back in sync with today’s culture. “Oh, it’s a movie, well a bunch of movies, but they take place in outer space and the movie always starts with ‘A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,’ and then it’s this war happening in this galaxy and the legends of this mystical power that fuels these warriors, but there’s this empire that wants to rule the galaxy but these rebels fight them and the whole while there’s this internal family affair that, well, I shouldn’t spoil that, but it’s all futuristic and space and spaceships and aliens and I am probably making zero sense to you.”

Bucky smiled gently and said, “Aliens and space huh?”

“Yes. It is really one big drama story but I really love it and it seems to be well known by the entire world.” Steve removed the popcorn from the microwave and put it into the bowl he had set out.”

“Well, I guess there is nothing else to do really.” Bucky’s smile grew a bit more and Steve had to control his excitement of seeing Bucky actually smile. They both sat down on the couch next to each and put their feet on the coffee table. “You realise this is gonna be in Romanian, right.

Steve shrugged. “I’ve seen it a couple times already. Well, maybe more than a couple. The other Avengers are obsessed with this movie so I know this and the other ones pretty well. You just listen to it in Romanian.”

For a small apartment, the couch was pretty long. It had to be close to seven feet long because both Steve and Bucky could lay down with their legs stretched and not have the arms restricting them at all. Steve had himself leaning against one arm and couldn’t help but notice that Bucky was sitting awfully close to him. They were only barely an inch from having their legs touch. All this room and his friend chose to sit close to him. Steve planned to put the popcorn between the two of them, but resorted to having it in his lap because Bucky seemed comfortable sitting close by. Steve’s only real complaint was that with Bucky sitting so close he was tempted to do something really, as Tony, Clint, and Sam would say, gay. He wanted so badly to put his arm around Bucky and pull him into an embrace so they could watch the movie and cuddle together. Steve felt his face getting red when he thought about cuddling Bucky. The movie had started and the text was scrolling across the screen so Bucky was too busy to notice Steve’s blush. He tried to push the thought away and watch the movie. 

The Avengers really were obsessed. They had many movie nights at Tony’s penthouse with loads of food and alcohol for the drinkers. Steve kind of missed those nights. 40% of the time it was Star Wars. And when you watch one Star Wars, you have to watch all the rest. Steve never minded. It was a good movie. He could very well say everyone’s lines for them and knew exactly what would happen next. He decided watching it in a new language would not be too bad. He also liked that he was alone with Bucky because the other guys loved talking during movies. Bucky seemed like he would be a quiet type. Really, Steve realised just being alone with Bucky in the first place was awfully relaxing. 

Bucky seemed really interested in the movie. It was always confusing the first time for anyone, so he asked a few questions to Steve, who was able to clear it up even while it played in Romanian. Otherwise the two were quiet. There was the movie sound with the occasional shift to retrieve popcorn. Steve wondered in Bucky purposely made Steve hold the bowl in his lap. Bucky would just casually reach over without looking away from the TV and grab a handful of popcorn from the bowl in Steve’s lap. Steve eventually learned to stop thinking about it. It was only about 30% through the movie when the popcorn was gone so Steve put the empty bowl onto the table. He looked over and noticed Bucky was leaning forward a bit and blinking slowly. “Hey, Bucky.” Bucky jumped slightly at this. “Are you getting tired?”

He nodded slowly. He gave a long yawn after that. Steve couldn’t help but note that Bucky’s yawn reminded him of a tired puppy yawning. It was soft and gentle and slow. Steve smiled a bit and tried to hide it quickly after Bucky stopped and opened his eyes again. 

“We had an early start and I can tell you still aren’t sleeping right.” Steve’s arm was around Bucky’s shoulder before he realised it, but Bucky didn’t seem to mind. “We could just take a nap. There is nothing else to do today.”

“This movie is really interesting though.” Steve believed him on that, but deep down, Steve knew why Bucky really didn’t want to sleep. He had nightmares often and it was impossible for him to ever sleep without some reminition of his past returning to haunt him.  
Steve went along and suggested, “Why don’t I ask Scott if he can get us all of the movies in English? I’m not sure how Romanian sounds, but I’m pretty sure the original English is the best version.”

Bucky shrugged. “I guess that’d be smart. But I- I really don’t want to sleep now.”

Steve knew what was coming. “Why?”

“I had that dream again. The night before. And I refused to sleep last night because I know it’s still, there.” Bucky looked down at the ground again and sighed. Steve knew it was still an effort to fully remember what in his mind was Bucky Barnes and what was The Winter Soldier. Whenever Bucky looked at the ground, he was either questioning himself or his worth. 

All Steve could do now was wrap his other arm around the front of Bucky and pull him into a strong embrace. “I don’t know how I can help with that, but I do know I can be here for you. Whatever you need Bucky. Tell me and I promise I will try my best to help you.” Steve really hoped Bucky would request something, and he did. 

“I just don’t want to be alone anymore.” 

Steve felt his heart stop. 

“As the Winter Soldier, I was always alone and I never knew why. The past two years have been difficult because now I remember the past. I remember the war and I remember our days before the war. Everything from that time is practically gone; My family and the few other friends I had. You are all I have left Steve. ” Steve felt Bucky’s body relax a bit and lean closer into his own. “I’m scared of myself, the things I did, the memories refuse to leave. But, I’m being honest. I feel safe here with you. I want to be here with you.”

Steve held Bucky even tighter now, and the former Soldier seemed to relax even more. He also had to smile at this. Bucky no longer wanted to be alone and wanted to be with Steve. He also felt overjoyed hugging him this tight. “I’m not letting you go ever again Bucky. I lost you twice and believe me when I say I am not losing you again. Bucky, you are all that’s left of my old world. I don’t care what you’ve done in the time we’ve been separated or how many bad deeds you’ve done. Having you back means everything for me. And I swear it when I say I will help you. I want to help you Bucky because all I ever wanted was my best friend back. You never have to be alone anymore because I won’t ever let you be alone ever again. Our lives will never go to the way we remember them, but I can live happily knowing we are still together.”

Steve felt a few drops of liquid on his chest and knew Bucky was crying again. Steve pulled Bucky even tighter and started rubbing his back. “Just stay with me Steve. I don’t really want you to turn me in. I don’t want to be given to the government. I don’t want anyone taking me away. I just want you to be with me. All I want is for you to stay with me.”

“I’m never turning you in Bucky. I fought my friends and the world government to get you out. I will do it again. Anytime and anyday. I’m not giving you up for anything. I won’t ever leave you because I can’t.” 

Bucky pulled away from Steve’s embrace and looked up finally. The tears were there but not quite streaming. Bucky smiled and chuckled a bit, which also made Steve excited.  He felt himself tearing up as well. “You’re gonna say it, aren’t you?” Bucky said, his voice a bit higher pitched from the need to cry again. 

“If you don’t say it first.” Steve smiled back and felt a tear roll down his cheek.

Bucky smiled wider. “We should just learn to agree that no matter what, we are permanently stuck with each other till the end of the line.”

Steve smiled wide back as Bucky started losing tears while still smiling. “I will always second that,” Steve said. Bucky was a mess again and now Steve was a mess with him. He pulled Bucky back into his arms and they cried with each other for a few minutes. When Bucky pulled away, he was still smiling. Steve hasn’t seen him smile or laugh this much in over 70 years. It hurt him to know this is probably his first time smiling in over 70 years, but he was glad he was him making Bucky smile for the first time in a long time. 

Steve wiped a few tears away and grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. None of them were really paying attention to the movie anyway and Scott could easily get them an English version. “Steve, can I ask you a weird request?” 

Steve chuckled. “Bucky, we are two war hardened Soldiers that have seen some tough shit that just cried together after a session of sharing our feelings. Is it truly weird?” 

“Can you sleep with me?” 

Steve was taken back a bit, but he realised how much he would actually love this. He remembered earlier when he wanted to cuddle Bucky. Now could be his chance. 

Bucky seemed very surprised by his own request. “I don’t mean, like, well I don’t know how you thought of that, but, I just want to, you know, I don’t want to be alone. And I keep having that same nightmare and I sometimes can’t wake up from it and I’m just so tired I want to sleep. But I can’t.”

“Sure thing, pal.” Steve said quickly. Bucky seemed surprised at first, but he also seemed a bit relieved. “Like I said, anything you need. And really, Buck, you’re tired as Hell and it’s really noticeable. If it will help you sleep better.”

“I just think maybe with you I might feel a bit, I don’t know, safer I guess. I just feel safe with you and I’m hoping, I don’t know.”

“Would you rather be on the couch or the bed?” Bucky still seemed surprised how calm Steve was at his request. “Bucky I’m being serious. You want me to sleep with you, I will do it any and every day. I don’t think it’s weird at all. I honestly won’t mind it one bit.”

Bucky seemed to finally relax. “We can go to the room.”

Since they started living there, Steve had taken the only bed in the house and Bucky took the couch because he claimed the couch was more of his comfort level. Bucky rarely stayed on the couch though. Steve found him sleeping in the strangest places upon waking up: Behind the couch, under the kitchen table, in the bathroom, and sometimes just in the middle of the living room floor. Steve never questioned it. He could always hear Bucky moving around or having a nightmare. He never closed the door to the bedroom because if Bucky were to freak out, he had to be ready. 

Steve turned off the lights and laid down under the covers on the far left end of the bed. It was only a little past sunrise so there was adequate sunlight coming through the one small window. Bucky crawled into bed not too far from Steve. He could tell Bucky was still taking this awkwardly. “Bucky, get over here.” Bucky slowly scooted closer, very slowly. Steve was finally too impatient. He scooted over and wrapped his arm under and around Bucky’s waist and pulled him closer so they were perfectly side by side. He was surprised at first, but he soon relaxed. He turned sideways towards Steve’s body and wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s stomach and let his head rest against Steve’s shoulder. 

“So, you’re completely fine with this?” Bucky asked cautiously in Steve’s ear.

Steve sighed. “Bucky, I really am fine with this. I really would do anything for you and you’ve seen me do so already.”

“I was just afraid you’d think I was, uh, nevermind.”

“What, Buck?”

“No, forget it, I’m tired.”

Steve knew what he wanted to say. He was then hit by a sudden realisation. He tried to figure out a way to say it nonchalantly, but he suddenly found himself saying,  “I’m not straight, Bucky.” He realised what he said far too late. He wanted to slowly ease up to telling Bucky how he truly felt about him, but he obviously let his heart get the best of him. 

Bucky suddenly burst out laughing, leaving Steve lying there confused. Bucky calmed himself down and said, “Well, that’s a relief. I couldn’t tell if you really would do anything I asked or you wanted to sleep together more than me.” Steve released the breath he was holding in and was able to relax a bit. “Since we are suddenly being so open this morning, might as well tell you I’m not straight either.” Steve was suddenly smiling too. Since he and Bucky had been reunited and living together, Steve felt like all the stress in the universe was on him. Now that he and Bucky were really being honest with each other, all that stress was suddenly gone. 

Steve suddenly felt like an idiot. He should have realised what his feelings meant a lot earlier. “So we can be less awkward then right? Because honestly, I see you as much more than my best friend.” 

Bucky started laughing again, more lightly this time, and Steve awkwardly laughed with him. “I can’t believe it took nearly a freakin’ century to get your attention.” That shut up Steve immediately. “Hey but you know don’t worry, it took me a bit to see it too.”

Steve had noticed back in the old days too, but he thought it was just a deep connection due to a long friendship. It took him rebelling against the world government to save his friend to realise he saw and wanted Bucky as more than that. “So when did you figure it out?”

“When in service. It was the last time. You know, the time I told you not to do anything stupid while I was gone and you went and made the army and let weird scientists experiment on you? You know, you could have been allergic to something in that serum.”

“Oh. Right. Well I found you and saved your ass for once.”

“Sometimes I felt I needed to put you on a leash.”

“Alright Bucky so how did service enlighten you?”

“Alright, so I never told you, but I carried a picture of you in my front pocket whenever I was deployed. It was the one we took in the photobooth at Coney Island.”

“The one we took before I puked my guts out?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Aww, you had a picture of me all those times when you were away from me? That’s sweet. I had that same picture with me too.”

“Really?!”

“Yep. Went no where without it. It kinda washed away in the ocean, but you were still with me till that end.”

"Well, apparently the thing was to carry a picture of who you most cared about. All the other guys had their girls. I of course had you.”

“You know you could of had a picture of the latest girl you were dating.”

“Yea, but I never truly liked any of them.”

“So you were distracted by someone else.”

“Oh yes I was. And when the guys figured out the picture I really had in my pocket, they lectured me until I figured out what I was. They said   
whoever you hold close to your heart on the battlefield is the person whose arms you wanna run to when you’re shipped back home. I wasn’t really surprised when I found out how true that was later.”

“You held me close to your heart on the battlefield, huh?” Steve remembered the picture he had of Peggy in that compass when he first became Captain America in WWII. He had a crush on her, but never truly felt a connection with her. What he truly tried to protect at all costs was the copy of the Coney Island photo that he kept in the hidden chest pocket of his suit. He always had it in his wallet and when he found out he would be crossing the ocean, he had a pocket made for the photo. He realised his connection with Bucky was much deeper. He called himself stupid again. He liked and cared about Peggy, but being around Bucky was always like being in that one ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. He could just never figure out why. 

“I’m glad to know you had me with you too. They’re right, you know. None of those girls I dated were ever there when I was sent home. So whose arms did I run to every time?”

“Man, Bucky, I wish I saw this earlier.”

“Yeah, we could have been cuddling and expressing our secrets and feelings earlier.” 

This made both of them laugh. Bucky yawned softly but for a long time and Steve could feel his breathe from his yawn brush against his neck. He needed sleep. “Really, Steve, I feel so much better already. If I do have a nightmare though, sorry if I wake you.”

“Bucky don’t be sorry for that. I’ll be right here and remember you are in my arms.”

Bucky chuckled again. “Where I’ve always wanted to be.”

Steve smiled. He rested his head on the pillow and leaned it gently against Bucky so he could feel his hair against his cheek. He had his one arm still holding Bucky’s waist so he used his other to stroke Bucky’s hair. As much as he loved his friend’s 1940s look, he wasn’t ashamed to admit he really loved Bucky’s longer hair. It was very soft and smooth. Fun to pet. So Steve just stroked Bucky’s hair until he felt his breathing become slow and relaxed. Steve passed at only a few minutes after. He had to tell himself a few more times that he was a total idiot for being blind to this.


	2. A Decent First Date

\-------14 DAYS EARLIER (STEVE)-------

The lights flashed throughout the building as emergency power attempted to take over. Steve only had one thought in his mind: Get Bucky. Whoever that interrogator was was definitely not there to do good. He had to have done something to Bucky. The way he attacked Steve liked a possessed person after two years of no activity did not add up.  
He was about to start climbing up the elevator shaft when he saw Sam poke his head through the crack Bucky threw him through. “Sam I’m coming up.”

“I think you should just stay down there Cap.”

“Wha-”

“That guy is obviously not Bucky. The dude needs to be taken out. I’m sorry but you’re only making this worse for the team.”

“That interrogator did something to him! That wasn’t Bucky but he’s still there he just needs to snap out of it!”

“Steve just stay put! Bucky is dead! Accept it!” And with that Sam was gone. 

“I’m going after him Sam! You guys are making a mistake! Bucky isn’t our enemy!”

“No Steve! Bucky is our enemy. And since you’re going with him, so are you!” With that, he left Steve alone in the shaft. Sam has just said it. Steve was no longer on the team. He was now an enemy to the team. Steve was not going to accept Bucky was dead. And he certainly was not going to stay put.

He pulled himself out of the elevator shaft and ran the halls. He knew Bucky just wanted to get away. He was going to find the stairs when he walked passed the door to the helipad. Bucky was in the chopper and it was already a little ways off the ground. Steve suddenly felt something awaken inside of him and nearly broke the door down. The chopper was now a few feet higher than Steve, but he didn’t care. He charged for it and leaped up to grab the bottom. It was still trying to fly away, but Steve had it and he wasn’t letting Bucky go anywhere this time. He was dragged over to the edge and that gave him the opportunity to latch his other arm to the bar of the helipad. He held onto the helicopter and pulled for dear life. He felt the chopper suddenly make a sharp turn so he dove to avoid the propellers. The chopper was wrecked and shredded as it fell sideways around Steve. 

As Steve recollected himself and looked through the window of the chopper. The metal arm instantly broke through and connected with his neck. He and Bucky met gazes. His eyes were not his. This was the Winter Soldier taken over. But he suddenly felt Bucky’s grip start to release. His eyes shifted back to his own. The Soldier’s rage was replaced by fear. And this fear belonged to his best friend.

“Steve?” The voice was quiet. But Steve realised the sound around them was gone. The sun had vanished and darkness took over. This isn’t what happened a month ago.  
“Steve? Help me.” Steve heard the fear in his friend’s voice. The helicopter was now gone. Steve and Bucky were now in nothing but darkness. “Please?” 

\-------PRESENT DAY (STEVE)-------

Steve jerked up and grasped for his neck but was greeted by Bucky’s metal arm. It was nearly pitch dark, but Steve could feel that he and Bucky were in bed. They were not in Vienna anymore. They were hidden and safe.

“Steve?” It was almost a cry. “Oh God. Steve!”

Steve felt Bucky release him. He took in a breath and clicked on the lamp next to him. He saw Bucky laying on his side curled up into a ball. He had his hands covering his eyes but Steve could tell the tears were coming. “Bucky, it’s okay. It was just a nightmare.”

He screamed and cried without moving his hands, “Oh God, Steve, I almost murdered you!” He sobbed hard and began to cry. “Steve nothing is okay about that! I almost killed you in my sleep! How the Hell can you say that’s okay?!” 

Steve crawled down next to him and started petting his hair again. He noticed Bucky relaxed a little and made a note to himself to try this when he’s in distress more often. “Bucky, you have over 70 years worth of nightmares and horrors. You’re gonna have some sort of PTSD after Hydra and everything. You’re not perfectly healed yet. You still need some help.  
You’re gonna have some pretty extreme nightmares for a while. But I’m here to help you. It’s okay.”

“Steve, I-” He avoided eye contact with Steve but he finally moved his hands away from his face. Steve was going to go grab him but Bucky suddenly jumped up and threw himself into Steve’s arms. Steve held him back tightly. “I really could have killed you,” Bucky said quietly in between sobs.

“Let’s be honest Buck. The serum altered enhanced every muscle I have. I feel perfectly fine now. You didn’t hurt me.” Steve went back to stroking Bucky’s hair with one hand and rubbing his back with the other and Bucky was almost instantly relaxed. “Also, you woke me up from a nightmare I was trapped in. So thank you for that.”

For a few minutes Steve let Bucky rid of his tears on his shoulder while he tried to calm him down. He made another note that stroking Bucky’s hair and rubbing his back while he was having a breakdown seemed to calm him down pretty quickly and seemed to become more effective every minute. Bucky pulled himself out of Steve’s embrace and they finally made eye contact. Steve was saddened to see Bucky after he has a breakdown. His eyes were red and very swollen. His face gleamed from the tears that had just poured across his cheeks. And the look directly in his eyes was fear, sadness, confusion, and possibly unimportance. It just wrenched his heart to see Bucky this way.

“So, do you wanna talk about it?” Bucky’s expression remained unchanged but Steve knew he didn’t like the question. “Look, I know that’s probably the last thing you want, but sometimes talking about this will help. If something is bothering you this much, you should try to get it out.” Bucky sighed and his eyes went back down. Steve knew that was the sign that he didn’t want to talk about it because Bucky believed it would hurt Steve more. “You wanna hear what my nightmare was about? I wouldn’t mind getting it out of my head.” Bucky looked back to Steve’s eyes and nodded.

“Two weeks ago. After we found you in Bucharest and I tried to help you escape but we were caught. Remember that?” Bucky nodded his head sadly. “They had you locked up and sent that therapist to talk to you. But he obviously was false. My nightmare was reliving that day. When you got out and I tracked you down. Do you remember anything that happened after he talked to you?”

It a broken voice Bucky answered, “I remember feeling my mind shut down but I was still wide awake. Steve, I remember everything. I remember being a helpless thought as I watched myself murder people and destroy things. I was frozen in my head and I could only watch everything. For 70 years. I remember all of it.” A tear started to form but Bucky quickly wiped it away. “He said the words. The 10 words that awaken the Winter Soldier. Then he wanted to know about one of my missions. It wasn’t a large mission and there was no real success in it. I don’t understand why he needed it. But I had to tell him. After that he told me to get out.”

Steve finally breathed. Steve knew about Bucky’s trigger words, but he didn’t know that Bucky remembered everything. That he consciously knew what he was doing but was completely helpless to stop himself. He decided to move on. “Well, I relived that day. It wasn’t just you escaping that was messed up. It was seeing how much I was really betrayed. Tony wanted me to sign the accords, and he figured I had said no for the last time. I haven’t talked to him since. When the power shut down, I started to go find you, but Natasha said I was looking for a lost cause. She tried to stop me, but I defended myself. I hurt her, and she hurt me back. I got passed her though. Then after you threw me down the elevator shaft, Sam told me that I should stay down there because I would make everything worse for the team, but I told him I couldn’t do that, so he said I’m an enemy to the team for going after you. I pulled down that helicopter because I wasn’t letting you get away.”

“Steve?” Bucky’s interruption was sudden. “I had that dream too.” Now Steve was shocked. “But on my part. I fought my way through the building to get to that helicopter. I remember seeing you grab it and I couldn’t do anything, but I prayed for you to pull that thing down because I didn’t want to leave.”

“Well, I’m glad I was able to pull you down.”

“But I attacked you after the chopper came down. That’s when I attacked you here in bed now.”

“So you and I both woke up at the same time?”

Steve and Bucky just looked at each other disbelieving, but neither could deny that this was a bit weird. Steve wished Bucky would say something stupid to break the awkwardness.  
He sure enough did. “So, I guess we have a much deeper connection than we first thought.” The both of them started laughing. Bucky was the first to stop but he didn’t seem to be in too much pain anymore. “Steve, I really am sorry I attacked you. Maybe this is why we slept separately-”

“Bucky, it’s alright. It scared me a bit, but I’m alright and you didn’t hurt me at all. But really, I don’t mind sleeping with you.” He realised that sounded a bit more weird and it was now his turn to look away. Bucky chuckled again and Steve looked back to see him blushing. Steve could feel himself blush too.

“So," Bucky broke the silence. "We slept nearly 12 hours.” Steve looked at the clock and realised Bucky was right. It was 20:30 and the sun was pretty much gone now. “You forgive me? For trying to-” 

“Yes, Bucky. I forgive you. Now come here.” He brought him back into his arms and hugged him tightly. 

When they pulled away the both got up and went to the kitchen to eat something. It was pretty late now but the two of them hadn’t eaten anything all day. And they were both enhanced and very well built super Soldiers, meaning they can very well eat several meals at a time. Steve decided to heat up make four large beef steaks, silently thanking Scott for the extra cash to get lots of good food. 

Steve got out a pan and started heating the oven. He took out the large slabs of steak and plopped them into a skillet. 

“What are you doing now?” Bucky appeared at his side.

“Making us dinner.” Steve replied casually. 

“So is this a date?” Bucky smirked.

Steve just rolled his eyes and smiled. “Sure. Why not.”

Bucky laughed. “You’re doing it wrong though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Cooking steak. That’s not how you do it.”

“Well Bucky how would you make a steak?”

“Alright looks like I’m helping you cook now. By the way, here, you should call it friptură.”

“Friptură?” Steve repeated it a few times.

“Steak in Romanian. I think it sounds cooler.”

“You gonna start teaching me Romanian now?”

“I have a feeling we are gonna be here a while.”

“Well, might as well get used to it then.”

So now Steve and Bucky were cooking steak together. Bucky knew about appliance and material details, such as how to work the oven and what utensils were actually best. Steve had to use his phone to google specific things such as what flavors and other ingredients to use and how to properly mix them all with the steaks. Every once in awhile Bucky would drop in a random Romanian translation. Steve was never gonna remember all of these right away, but he knew he and Bucky were probably gonna have a hard time getting around anywhere else with the world looking for them, so he might as well be somewhat fluent in what may become his new language. 

“Steve, grab the clește.”

“Um, that was- damn what was that? Wait! Don’t tell me! Clește. Tongs. Right?”

“Yes. Nicely done Stevie. Man I wish we bought more spices. Do we at least have usturoi? That’s garlic by the way.”

“We do have usturoi. We also have salt and pepper. And oil.”

“Sare si piper, we will need those. And yes definitely ulei for later.”

Google told them that after adding sare, piper, si ulei, they had to let the steaks roast in the oven for about 20 minutes. So both stood next to each other with their backs against  
the counter after cleaning up the mess waiting for the 20 minutes to pass. 

“You didn’t properly ask me out.” Bucky said suddenly teasingly.

“Alrighty then.” Steve took a breath. Bucky probably expects a joke in return, so Steve decided to be serious. He turned his head to Bucky and brought up his hand to grab Bucky’s cheek and turned his head to face each other. Now that Steve had Bucky’s eyes, he spoke. “James Bucky Barnes, you’ve been my best friend for nearly my entire life. We were separated for quite a while, but we’ve always been together no matter what. I see now we can never really be separated. Now that we are finally together again, I want to take our relationship to a higher level. I want us to be closer than friends. And to start that out, I would absolutely love it if you joined me for a date. So will you come to dinner with me?” 

Steve couldn’t help but smile, but this wasn’t a smile you give after you’ve just tried to humor someone. He told Bucky the honest truth and was glad to get that need off his chest. 

Bucky’s smile had turned into a face of shock and surprise, but it quickly came back. He glanced away from Steve’s eyes for a bit to laugh, more of a giggle, while comprehending what Steve had just told him. He finally met Steve’s eyes again and said, “Steven Rogers, having you as my best friend for nearly my entire life has truly been a gift. I too would like to take our relationship to the next level and be more than best friends. So yes, I will gladly join you for dinner.”

They both stood there and stared into each other’s eyes and smiled for a while longer. When they realised the oven timer was going off they both sprang into action. Steve tended to the steak in the oven and Bucky got him plates. Since they did not think to buy any decent sides, Bucky decided to grab a bag of potato chips and set it on the table. Steve set the two plates at the small square table in their tiny kitchen and claimed one chair while Bucky sat across from him. Steve remembered drinks so he got up and grabbed two plastic cups and a new bottle of Coca Cola and brought them over to the table so he and Bucky could pour themselves soda. 

This was Steve and Bucky’s first real date. The two of them in their tiny rented apartment, in their not so tidy small kitchen, at their small square table, eating steak, chips, and soda, still in their sleeping clothes, at almost 22:00 at night, both of them a mess because the day was nothing but long grocery shopping, crying and hugging, admitting their true feelings for each other, and sleeping. But they sat there eating their steak and randomly looking up and smiling at each other, watching each other’s faces burn bright red, then laughing when they stared too long. The two of them could not have asked for a better first date

The steaks were large, but Steve and Bucky consumed nearly everything. They both ate both of their steaks, cleanly cleared the large bag of chips and the two liter coke. After dinner the two went back into the living room and turned on the TV. The first thing that came on was obviously a sitcom. It was all in Romanian, but the laughter cameos and actor’s expressions meant it was supposed to be funny. Steve and Bucky sat down on the couch. Again, Steve leaned against the far right arm and Bucky sat pretty close next to him as they both simultaneously placed their feet on the coffee table. Only a minute after they sat down Bucky decided to lean his body against Steve’s and rest his head on Steve’s shoulder. Steve smiled and wrapped his arm around Bucky and pulled him closer. He was going to put his hand just down Bucky’s arm, but for some reason his hand wanted to go and rest on Bucky’s chest, right where he could feel his heart beating. Steve felt himself blushing and was about to make up an excuse, but he felt Bucky’s normal hand come up and rest on Steve’s. They both relaxed and said nothing at all. They just sat there like this watching the tv. Steve didn’t even know what was going on. It was all in a foreign language. He would get when someone tripped and fell and someone else laughed that that was funny. But all the verbal jokes flew over him. Bucky was fluent in several languages. Steve wasn’t quite sure why Hydra would require him to learn Romanian. Maybe he studied that one himself in the past two years of living in Bucharest. However he knew it, Steve could tell he could understand what was happening as he laughed at a lot of what was said. Steve really didn’t mind this at all. They were sitting there cuddling each other watching people be funny and happy. It was truly peaceful. 

They watched this show for a few hours before Steve got pretty tired again. He and Bucky slept nearly all day, but with the lack of sleep and every other event in the past two weeks, plus the meal that should have satisfied a large family, they were now exhausted again. Steve felt Bucky’s hand slip from his that. He went to ask Bucky if he was ready for bed, but his friend’s limp body fell sideways into Steve’s lap. He smiled and sat there to examine Bucky for a few minutes. He realised he wanted to pet his hair again, so he did, carefully to not wake him up. Steve realised Bucky looked very relaxed, unafraid, no longer sad or scared or in distress. Bucky actually looked very peaceful out cold in Steve’s lap like this. Even though it was a cute sight, Steve wanted to get the both of them to bed. He turned off the TV and gathered Bucky in his arms and stood up. Steve was strong, but Bucky was actually quite heavy being nearly as strong as him. With a little extra effort, he slowly and steadily got him and Bucky into the bedroom. He laid Bucky down on the bed before hitting all the lights in the house, checking the locks on the doors and windows, and making sure any appliance was off. He went back to the room and crawled into bed and took his place next to Bucky. He hit the desk lamp on the side table and brought Bucky close to him to cuddle him. He had one hand rest in Bucky’s hair and the other arm wrapped around Bucky’s waist. He found Bucky’s hand not too far from his side and intertwined it with his own hand. After a few moments of recollecting everything that happened today, he smiled, silently said his goodnight to Bucky, and laid his head down next to his friend’s and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed a small Romanian lesson!


	3. How We Got Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Some Flexing Porn :) You're Welcome
> 
> EDIT: Found out how to italicize... yay:)

13 DAYS EARLIER (BUCKY)

His head felt heavy as Hell and his whole body ached. He tried to move, but was greeted with a searing pain that shot all throughout him. After a few minutes of recollecting himself, his own body and his own mind, he figured out he was back. It was him again. He controlled his body and mind. Not the Winter Soldier.  
    
  He shifted his head up slowly and it did not hurt too bad this time. He realised he was in a sitting position and seated on something rather hard. When he finally got the strength to move more muscles, he tried to stretch his metal arm, until he realised it didn’t even bulge. He opened his eyes, giving them a few seconds to adjust to the light. When they were finally open, he looked to his left. His arm was trapped by some large metal object that had obviously been purposely bent to restrain him from escaping. He felt sensation in his other arm, telling him that one was free. He brought his normal arm up to rest his palm in his hands.

    It happened again.

    Somehow. It was impossible, but somehow, it happened. The book. That man. What the Hell did he say his name was? Zemo? That man was not there to help him, he wanted answers. And he had the book. The book that should have been burned long ago. Zemo had found it and said those 10 damn words. He told him to leave the facility. To get out and don’t look back. But he also had one request that made no sense at all.

    Mission Report: December 16th, 1991

    The Winter Soldier had already been triggered by this point, meaning Bucky could no longer control himself. He was ready to comply. And he gladly gave Zemo the details of that day. He murdered Howard and Maria Stark and took the last supply of super Soldier serum. That made the five other Winter Soldiers. But what the Winter Soldier didn’t tell Zemo- Or was it Bucky?- was that all five were failures. They lasted for a while, but the first time they were placed in cryo, they all died during the freezing process. The mission was a total failure and absolutely no progress was made for Hydra or anything at all. Whatever Zemo wanted, Bucky assumed would be a failure, because he didn’t complete his last objective. He was ordered to get out of there. But of course Steve had to bring down the chopper. Now he was here. Wherever here was. He accepted that he was captured. It was only his metal arm, and he could break out. But he was Bucky now. The Winter Soldier was asleep again. Bucky had no real reason to escape.

    “Hey. Yo. Captain. Your friend’s up.”

    Bucky looked over to his right to see a man standing in the doorway. Bucky looked around at his surroundings now. He was in some type of abandoned factory. He looked back in the doorway and saw Steve appear next to the unknown man.

    “Steve?” Bucky rubbed his face and eyes while Steve walked over to him slowly. He knew he almost managed to kill him yet again. 'I threw him down the damn elevator shaft. Then almost sliced him to bits with chopper blades.' He knew Steve would take this easily, but didn’t want to deal with anything right now. He was honestly done with all shit today.

    “Which Bucky am I talking to?” Bucky raised his head a bit and met Steve’s eyes.

    His eyes looked caring and understanding. Steve didn’t have the look that said he was mad at Bucky. He almost looked forgiving of him.

    Steve still expected an answer. He wanted to make sure it was Bucky and not the Winter Soldier speaking. He had to say something to prove it was truly him in his own mind again. “Your mom’s name was Sarah.” That was stupid but only he would know that besides Steve. 'What’s another convincing fact?' “You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” That was also dumb, but that was one of their many secrets. Bucky laughed to himself for a few seconds as a memory returned to him. 1938, the two were late to see a film because Steve had to fix his newspaper shoes halfway to the theater. A good memory. Not a nightmare. 'When we could be happy. Together…'

“Pretty sure his alter ego wouldn’t remember that,” the other man said with a chuckle.

Steve rolled his eyes for a second and continued, “Bucky, I’m just gonna go ahead and say this now. There are people dead and injured. And we are kind of wanted men now. But we will be somewhat fine. Also, they managed to find that guy that was talking to you. Zemo. He’s in custody now. But they want to bring us in with him.”

“You really should just bring me back.” Bucky didn’t need to look at Steve to know he was shocked. But Bucky knew he had caused plenty of damage already and the Winter Soldier was still there. Waiting to be awakened.

“You and I are running away,” Steve continued. “I have to retire anyway. They won’t care to hear your side of the story if we bring you in. The way I see it, we are both fugitives that have no purpose of turning back now.”

'Is he asking me to run away with him?' “So you’re saying we just run? Screw the government and hide?”

“You did it the past two years. No one could find you.”

“You are Captain Freakin’ America. The world is gonna be hunting us down. How are we not found already?”

“We’re only a little ways out of Vienna. They’re looking but not hard enough. But I swear Bucky I’m not letting the government get me just to sign those damn accords and I’m not letting them make you pay for crimes you couldn’t control. So we are booking it and we are gonna go hide somewhere.” Steve gestured to the other man in the room, who has just been standing there awkwardly. “This here is my friend Scott Lang. He’s an expert at being a thief and hiding from the government. He’s gonna help us out.”

Scott moved his hand towards Bucky, who used his free hand to shake it, not changing his expression at all. “Hey there, Bucky. Just call me Scott. You could call me Ant-Man if you’d like, but not many say that.” Scott kept shaking his hand, hard.

“And why would someone call you that?”

“Well, I got this suit, and when I push these buttons, it shrinks me down to the size of an ant. I’d show you, but I need the suit.”

“Wait, you’re the ant person that was on the news?” Bucky suddenly remembered reading about this so-called Ant-Man in a newspaper about a few months ago.

“Yup, that’d be me.” Scott acknowledged cheerfully.

“Amazing where this world has gone in 70 years. Aliens and men shrinking to the size of ants.” Steve sighed.

“And kicking ass in ant size,” Scott added.

“So how can you help us escape?” Bucky asked him.

Scott cleared his throat and said, “Well, my buddy Luis has some friends that buy cheap houses and apartments in random laid back countries and holds them in case me or a friend needs a place to hide from the government. They are also fully paid for. Gas, electric, tv, internet if they want, anything you need. Luis said the closest safe house here is in Constanta, Romania. Steve here says you speak pretty fluent Romanian so hopefully that shouldn’t be an issue. But if Romania is fine, we got an apartment already full of furniture and some food and some clothes and a few other things. I can get you money for extra stuff. But anything you guys need for hiding from the govies, I’m your man.”

Bucky was shocked. Steve’s sudden change in expression told him that Scott hadn’t told him everything yet. “You’d really do all of that for someone?”

“Oh Hell yeah. And Captain America and his best friend? We are gonna make sure you guys have a decent place, get the cash and stuff you need, and keep the govies off your all’s asses. It’s tough business, hiding someone, but hey. Me and my pals got you two.”

Bucky looked up at Steve. “You know I’m not taking any other option. We are running and not looking back,” Steve said sternly.

“Am I actually worth this Steve?” Steve’s stern expression didn’t leave, but he stayed quiet. “They’re never gonna stop with us. And what are we getting from running from what just happened?”

“Freedom,” Steve said. “And the chance to get away from this crap and maybe have some peace, maybe catch up, be friends again, maybe get you help with the Winter Soldier issue.”

Bucky remained silent. He had no idea what the two of them were supposed to do. He told himself that hardly anything would benefit from running. But deep down, there was a thought that made him favor this: He and Steve would have there own place to hide. The two of them. Alone. In an apartment. Away from major drama. Away from war. Away from picky governments. Bucky really didn’t think it was a good idea. But he knew his heart wanted nothing more than to be safe and free with Steve.

But what if things don’t go right? What if Steve is doing this just because he feels he has to? Bucky didn’t want to feel like a liability and didn’t want to be a burden for anyone. Steve was truly his best friend. Once. A very long time ago. He has a good amount of those memories back, but they’re from so long ago. He knows he is nowhere near the man he was before World War II.

“Why are you really doing this Steve?”

Steve’s expression looked impatient. “Bucky, I’m helping you escape.”

“But I’m turning you into a refugee too. Steve, I need to be brought back to custody. I need to be put down.”

“I’m gonna go check the perimeter and let you buddies talk,” Scott said awkwardly while leaving Steve and Bucky alone.

“I’m already a wanted man Buck. I’ve been for a few days now. But I have you back. Honestly, I’m done with the Avengers and dealing with the government. I want to just have a laid back life. And I'm bringing you with me. We may not have full freedom, but we’ll be free.”

“Steve you will never be free.”

“Bucky, I don’t care. I don’t care what are circumstances are. I lost you once 70 years ago and I lost you again two years ago. I can’t lose you again.”

“Steve, I don’t think I am your friend anymore. I’m not really this Bucky anymore.”

“I get it, the Winter Soldier has been in your place. But I know Bucky is still in there somewhere.” Steve walked over and knelt in front of where Bucky was seated. “Bucky, I barely have anything left. I’m just about done with this entire world. I have been ready to just quit several times since I’ve woken up. But finding you, I have a reason to keep trying.”

“Steve, I don’t think I’m gonna last long.” Bucky saw Steve didn’t like this, but he meant it. How he hasn’t ended his life in the past two years was truly an achievement. He had his pistol in his Bucharest apartment drawer the whole time. He wanted to do it so many times, but never did. He never knew why. There was nothing stopping him from pulling the trigger. At least he thought there was nothing stopping him. Now that the entire world is after him for something he didn’t even do, he didn’t see why he should have to continue living this way. He really wanted that gun now. “It’s hard, Steve, and you say I mean a lot to you. But I just don’t know. The entire world wants me dead. You don’t, but that’s nearly 7 billion to you. In all honesty, I’m done trying. A sniper can take me out now and I’d be fine.”

“No, Bucky, don’t-” Steve choked and Bucky could tell he was getting upset. Steve looked quite desperate, making Bucky concerned. 'Are you actually desperate to have Bucky back? Are you really doing this for you?' Steve continued sternly now, “Bucky, I’m just about done with this world too. I helped stop an alien invasion, dealt with the world for a couple of years, then learned SHIELD was a lie. I needed a reason to keep going after all of that. Knowing you were out there, knowing there was a chance for us to be together again, even with extremely slim chances and knowing neither of us will ever be the same as 70 years ago, I still hoped. You are my only reason for still trying. Two years later, I’ve forced myself through the bs of living, remembering you were out there somewhere. Bucky, I wanted to be taken out before too. I still do. But I still want to try. I just want to keep living for something. I’m not quite ready to give up yet, but I need a reason to keep breathing. Finally finding you, maybe helping you and just being with you again? Like the old days. That’s the perfect push for me.”

Steve’s expression is what got Bucky. He looked like he wanted to yell and cry at the same time. Maybe Steve really did want him, Bucky Barnes, back. Bucky did not see why he deserves this, but if it made Steve feel better, if it gave Steve a reason to live…

_I am the only reason Steve would want to live. If I don’t go with him, he’ll do something stupid..._

“Alright,” he blurted out.

Steve perked up a little. “Really?”

“If you really can’t live without me,” Bucky finally made eye contact with Steve again. Steve’s eyes were suddenly full of hope. He still wasn’t sure if he really meant this much to one man. Even after 70 years of what he’s done, and nearly killing this one man two years ago. “I can’t guarantee I will ever be Bucky Barnes again. And I can’t guarantee I will always be able to keep going. But I’ll try. Because you want me to.”

“So are you cool with Romania?” Steve asked. “Because you know I don’t know anything of the language so if it ever comes down to it, you are gonna have to do all the talking.”

“It’ll work. I can speak it well.” He rubbed his eyes and head again. His headache had not gone away. “My arms getting uncomfortable though.”

“I got it.” Steve moved over to the machine and pressed his arms under the metal clamped down on Bucky’s arm and pushed up with all his strength. At first it didn’t move up and Bucky sat there trying to pry his arm away. It was this moment he realised he wasn't really paying attention to the progress of the machine or his arm. He was more focused on Steve. As he pushed up on the contraption, he had to use nearly every muscle on him. Steve grunted as he attempted to lift the metal while Bucky sat and observed his body at work. His arms were the most distracting. His biceps and triceps on both arms bulged brilliantly as they strained against the metal. _Am I smiling?! I’m smiling. Why?_ He looked down a ways and saw Steve’s abs well through his tight shirt. _His shirt looks like it’s putting up a good fight..._ They showed clear as day through the fabric. Bucky ran his tongue over his bottom lip. _What?! Stop!_  He looked a bit downwards to see Steve’s well defined thighs straining against the legs of his pants. _Did I just bite my lip? I still am. Why is this distracting..._ He suddenly realised he was breathing quite heavily. Steve’s panting masked the sound, but he was nearly out of breath just from observing Steve’s highly impressive build. He snapped out of his daze immediately, calmed his breathing, and went back to focus on getting his arm free.

Finally the metal lifted a good few inches and Bucky pulled his arm free. Steve set the piece back down gently and stretched his probably sore arms in various directions. Bucky flexed and moved his arm around to adjust to it again. “Really didn’t want me escaping again, huh?” He said to Steve.

“Nope. Wasn’t gonna ever lose you again Buck.” Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulder. It was sudden, but Bucky adjusted to the feeling and thought he actually liked it. Having Steve’s large arm around his shoulder halfway hugging him very tightly just made him feel, safe. Cared about. Loved. Steve wasn’t risking anything with the government. He said it flat out he wasn’t gonna ever lose Bucky again. And now they were going to share an apartment and hide from the government together. Being this close to Steve again after so long, but not running and not trying to kill him, but just walking with him. Bucky was unconsciously smiling very big. It hit him. He still cared about Steve. He could feel the conscious of the Bucky Barnes Steve had wanted. He saw now that he loved being close to Steve. He loved feeling protected by Steve. He loved being cared about greatly by Steve. He loved Steve. He didn't regret his choice anymore.

Steve led them through the abandoned factory outside to where Scott was waiting for them on the side of the street next to an old black '67 Impala. Steve halted the two in the doorway. “You guys are clear.” Scott said. Steve and Bucky kept there heads down as they went outside and got to Scott’s car. Steve took the front seat while Bucky climbed in the back. Once each man was buckled in and settled, Scott started the car and pulled from the curb into traffic. “We’re gonna go straight to Constanta. We can stop for snacks on the way if you guys want. I’m starving, but we might wanna wait until we are further from Vienna. Yo Bucky. There’s a couple caps and pairs of sunglasses back there with you. I suggest you guys get used to the shady look. There’s helicopters up there right now, but there’s also gonna be cameras and pedestrians that can recognize you anywhere you go.” Bucky found two dark blue baseball caps and two pairs of pitch black sunglasses. He took one of each for himself and gave the others to Steve so they could both put them on. “Seriously, any time you guys go out, it may look a bit conspicuous to some people, but it makes a better chance of hiding in plain sight. You guys are free from the government, but you still gotta make an extreme effort to hide well because they can really be anywhere. We checked Constanta. It’s not America and doesn’t have cameras on every single street corner or in every public place, and it’s not Britain where they have fancy guards protecting every place. A lot more laid back than other countries. So it is really your guys best bet.”

Steve spoke up, “Really, Scott, I can not thank you enough for this. All this effort just to hide me and Bucky? And you said the place is already decently supplied and we haven’t seen it yet? And you said you’d get us money for extra food and other stuff. Really, you and your friends are doing a tremendous amount that Bucky and I may never be able to repay.”

“Dude, we do this for a lot of our pals. And you’re Captain Freakin’ America! Anything for you and your friend sir!”

The two in the front kept talking about Constanta and living in hiding for a good majority of the ride. Bucky was starting to get tired from his headache and starting tuning out some conversation but kept trying to hear everything as it was highly important. Scott informed them that it was gonna be roughly a day’s trip and they shouldn’t stop until they are about two or three hours out of Vienna. Scott also mentioned other ways to assure their safety and some rules they will have to live by. One thing Scott added was that there was an iPod Touch left in the apartment with a charger. It had access to the Internet (Which Steve and Bucky could use, but be very conscious of what they do with that internet) and a free text app that only required a friend’s “username” to text someone. Scott explained that he went ahead and got the app on his phone and made up fake names for them both. His username “Paul R” and the iPod in the apartment was “Chris E." He said those names were simple and just 'came to his mind.' Scott said he would stop by once every 15 days to drop off money to the guys, but if they have any emergencies or would like to request him bring something else on that 15th day, they can text him. He also heavily emphasized the importance of coding their text conversations. No mention of their names or location or situation unless and absolute dire emergency. And they had to use the app as little as possible and only, only, text Scott and no one else.

Bucky was trying his hardest to stay awake and hear the rest, but his head was pounding and he just wanted to sleep. He knew Steve would inform him if Scott said anything else majorly important. He made a mental note that the last thing he heard from Scott was about the texting app so Steve could fill him in from there. He shifted in the seat so he could lay down across the back seat and relax. He started thinking that although there were several downsides to choosing this life, there was one positive to this. He will finally be alone with Steve. He needed to keep collecting his memories and try to expel the Winter Soldier completely, and that would take so much longer, but he knew Steve would help. Maybe he and Steve and just hang out and make up for lost time. All he wanted more than anything now was to sit down with Steve and just talk. Who cares what about. Just talk. He had much anger and hatred for Hydra still built up, maybe Steve would sit and listen to him rant for a bit. He just hoped Steve would support him. He also hoped he and Steve’s friendship could be repaired. He knew it would never be the same between them ever, but he prayed they can soon be close again. He even hoped they could somehow be closer. He made himself a new goal: Stay alive. Stay alive for Steve. Keep breathing for Steve. Do not leave him. He thought it would have been a good idea to shoot himself in Bucharest at some point in those two years. He would have saved the world from some chaos and maybe Steve would not be a refugee of the world. Maybe Steve would still have his respect and still be seen as the hero of the world. But maybe, he had said he had thought about ending it all before and Bucky is the reason he is still trying. Maybe if Bucky had ended his life, what would Steve do? They would find Bucky’s body in his apartment, and they would identify him, and they would inform the government, and they would tell Steve for sure. If Steve said Bucky was his only motivation for continuing with life, he would surely do it as soon as they told him… Bucky has to live now. There is no choice. He wanted Steve to keep living. He didn’t care what happened to himself, but he can’t let Steve end his life.

 _I’m going crazy. I know I’m not just doing this to keep him alive._ He knew it. He knew for a long time. He didn’t have all his memories back, but he had the old Bucky Barnes’ conscious still alive. Since Bucky Barnes- no, since he was 17 and Steve was 16. Back in Brooklyn when they Steve was that sickly carefree kid and Bucky was his guardian. When they had little money but found their own ways for fun. When the war and Hydra did not even exist for them. He knew it. Steve had been his best friend since he was seven and Steve was six. But after a decade of being together, Bucky came to realise he why he never connected with any of the many girls he dated, why he always dragged Steve to everything, why he never felt alone back in the day even when he literally was for a moment. Steve was always there. It was always Steve. He didn’t realise it until late, but it was Steve he wanted. He wanted Steve in his life. Despite the fact he acted before thinking, he had a large and powerful heart. Great spirit. Knew no limits, which Bucky had to set to avoid asthma or overheating. And his smile was enough to make Bucky instantly happy any day. He was in love with Steve.

Now today. 70 years later. After Steve had become a symbol of peace and protection, and Bucky was an assassin and an enemy to the world for so long, brainwashed and used. He hoped they could find their relationship again. Bucky just wanted back in Steve’s life. He wanted to be able to smile and laugh with him again. They will probably never be able to have fun again. But that’s okay. Maybe. Just maybe. If they can mend their relationship enough, they can somehow bring it to the next level. The chances were slim, but still there. Bucky finally nodded off to the bumpiness of the car on the highway, smiling at the memories he could still remember. They would motivate him more to live on.


	4. I Need You More Than You Think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright not gonna lie the second half of this chapter is a bit scary and VERY Dark. I was having a very bad day when I wrote it. I'm sorry for the sadness and pain but it will get better I promise. I at least added some more Romanian :)

**_THE NEXT MORNING (BUCKY)_ **

Bucky slowly opened his eyes. There was some light, but not too much to adjust to. He was about to stretch when he felt an arm around him. He felt a stranger hand in his regular arm connected to the arm around him. He started recollecting his memories of last night. He and Steve were on the couch watching that Romanian sitcom. He remembered he had leaned on Steve and in return got an arm around him holding him. He also remembered the sudden feeling of Steve’s hand on his heart. It had startled Bucky, but he rather enjoyed it. Steve had started fidgeting his hand around, telling Bucky he was nervous about laying his hand there, so Bucky had moved his hand on top of his to let him know it was okay and, more than anything, Bucky had wanted Steve’s hand to stay there. He remembered getting through a few episodes and then falling asleep on Steve’s lap. 

He figured Steve must have carried him to the bed and cuddled him without waking him. He could feel Steve gently breathing on the back of his head as the arm around him held him tightly. He now felt Steve’s other hand somewhat laced in his hair. He was still a bit embarrassed to admit it, but he has really enjoyed Steve’s sudden interest in his hair. He had started stroking it whenever Bucky was crying and had done it more when they cuddled the first time. Bucky didn’t understand why, but Steve petting his hair just made him feel so relaxed and calm. He hoped Steve would do it a lot more often because it felt nice and was very soothing to him. Bucky relaxed again and tightened his fist that contained Steve’s hand. 

After about 10 minutes of laying there awake, he felt Steve shift. His arm tightened around Bucky’s waist and he made a few waking grunts. Steve wrapped his other arm around Bucky’s neck and squeezed him tightly whispering, “Good morning, Bucky.”

Bucky reached his metal arm up and hugged Steve’s neck. “Good morning, Steve,” 

“I think it is a good morning for sure. You notice something?”

Bucky gave Steve his confused look. 

Steve raised an eyebrow. “You slept quite peacefully. Did you even have any nightmares?”

Bucky felt his mouth drop, making Steve laugh. He was right. He didn’t have any nightmares. And if he did, he didn’t remember and apparently stayed in Steve’s arms all night.

    “I guess not. So, how did you sleep.”

    “Steve, I’m so confused. I don’t remember any nightmares, and I actually- I actually slept good.” Bucky gave Steve a tiny smile. He was confused, but he really enjoyed waking up to peace and daylight instead of a memory of torture and pain and his own screaming. 

    “That’s good though, right?”

    “Yes, I believe so. It feels good.”

    Steve looked at the clock. “Damn, 11 o'clock. Well, should we make some breakfast?”

    “That would be good,” Bucky agreed.  

    Steve got out a bunch of frozen pancakes and got the toaster out. They didn’t have the proper ingredients or supplies to make homemade pancakes so they just stuck with frozen cakes and a toaster. 

    “Pune clatite în prăjitor.” Bucky told Steve.

    “Uhhh…”

    “Put the pancakes in the toaster.”

    “Ah ok.”

    “Setați prăjitorul la un minut.”

    Steve gave Bucky a glare that said  _ really? _

    Bucky smiled. “Set the toaster to one minute.”

    Steve did all these steps and they waited for the minute to pass. Steve just stared at the toaster, giving Bucky the perfect opportunity to check him out for that minute. His hair was a bit ruffled and his clothes wrinkled from sleep. He was very focused on that toaster. 

    The minute finally was up and the cakes popped up.

    “Atent. Ele sunt, probabil, foarte cald.”

    Steve hissed, pulled his hand back quickly and waved it around fast. 

    “I tried to warn you Steve, careful. They are probably very hot.”

    “Thanks Buck.” Steve said super sarcastically

    After a while of heating up the frozen cakes, there were 10 pancakes on each plate. Bucky brought the plates and syrup to the table while Steve got them cups of milk. He and Bucky sat down and their breakfast went pretty much the same as usual. Quiet, but this time with more looking each other in the eye and randomly laughing at each other. Bucky felt as though his happiness had had a sudden kick start since yesterday. The two weeks of being alone with Steve have not had the best start. He was glad to be with him, but he was more focused on his mission: Stay alive for Steve. 

    Bucky had been severely depressed the time he spent in Bucharest and he was still severely depressed here in Constanta. He knew the government was after him. He knew they were after Steve. He knew they would kill him on sight and arrest Steve probably for life. He knew Steve’s friends hated him now. He knew the entire world now saw Captain America as an enemy. He knew Steve would never have an easy life again. He knew Steve chose this, but he could not stop his feelings of guilt. He wanted to be with Steve, and since last night when they, sort of, kind of, confessed their love for each other, he has wanted him more. But the guilt is still there.

    After eating all their pancakes the two decided to lay on the couch and watch TV again. Bucky really had no complaint with watching tv all day. He especially enjoyed it when Steve and him cuddled. Steve laid down on his back this time and had his head propped by the couch arms and a pillow. Bucky practically sat on his lap and leaned his head back onto Steve’s chest. Steve worked the remote with one hand and put his other hand on Bucky’s chest, so Bucky set his real hand on top of Steve’s, grasping it gently. Once Steve found their favorite comedy channel, he set down the remote and used his other hand to grab Bucky’s metal arm and gently grasp his metal hand. They laid there looking at the TV holding each other’s hand for pretty much all day. Bucky liked laying his head on Steve’s chest. His chest was strong and firm, but even through the t-shirt he could feel the warmth of Steve’s chest and the beating of his heart. It made him feel happy. It made him feel loved. It made him feel safe.

But Bucky still couldn’t stop thinking about how he has possibly ruined Steve’s life. He still told himself it was his fault. But when he caught himself feeling this way, he remembered why he is still staying. Steve needs him. Steve wants to die. Just as badly as Bucky. He knows he can’t hurt Steve anymore. Especially after what happened last week.

**_8 DAYS EARLIER (STEVE)_ **

“Bucky, when did you do this?” he asked, trying to sound stern but he knew he sounded like he wanted to cry 

    Bucky looked at what he was holding and gasped. “Steve, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Bucky, please. There’s obviously something bothering you.”

“Steve can we not talk about this please? Just forget it I’m working on it.”

“Not alone you’re not!” Steve had his voice raised now. 

    He instantly regretted it when Bucky slammed his fist into the desk he sat at. Thankfully it was his normal hand. His metal fist would have shattered it. “Steve, I just had to get it out. It’s gone now.”

    “I don’t think it is, Buck,” Steve said somewhat more calmly now. 

    Bucky laid his head down on the desk and said nothing else

    Before reaching Constanta, Scott had stopped by a thrift store and let Steve and Bucky grab a few things they could need. Steve had picked up a few sketchbooks. He and Bucky loved drawing back in the day and hoped they could both get back into it later. 

    Bucky hadn’t used it much, but whatever he did draw, he ripped it out and hid it under the couch. Steve could tell Bucky would rather keep them hidden, but he knew the Winter Soldier could hide stuff better than this. Steve believed Bucky secretly wanted Steve to find what he did.  

    After finding the stack of drawings on the couch, Steve had to sit down and examine them to avoid passing out. These drawings were graphic, scary, and detailed as Hell. They were either specifically about Steve, Bucky, or the both of them. Whichever it was, they were always drawn meeting a gruesome demise. The first one Steve saw was of him and Bucky being burned at the stake. The people lighting them on fire with lit torches had barely any detail, but the symbols for the United Nations, CIA, SHIELD, and Hydra were clear as day. The detail put into the Steve and Bucky was sickening. You could tell the skin was melting away and they were screaming bloody murder. The next one showed Steve and Bucky being hung by the neck, with people of the same symbols watching. The next was Bucky being stabbed through the heart by the tentacle of the Hydra, blood spilling out from his chest. The next was Steve laying on the ground bleeding to death apparently after a pretty good beating. The people surrounding Steve did not have perfect detail, but enough to realise he was surrounded by the Avengers, his friends as Bucky called them. The next was him and Bucky drowning at the bottom of a river. They were grasping for air, but the Hydra was pulling them down. Steve saw this Hydra had a SHIELD symbol on it’s skull head. The next showed Steve and Bucky chained to a wall with random heads in the foreground and guns where there hands would be. They all looked like semi-automatic rifles, but most were cut of by the paper. Steve saw how bloodied and beat up he and Bucky were and how the chains were suffocating their wrists. The next and last was what set Steve off. It was Bucky. The detail Bucky could add to himself looked so real and accurate from the shape of his face to the dark circles under his eyes to the tears that sat in his piercing grey eyes. Bucky looked distressed, scared, sad, unwanted, uncared for, and ready to die. This was reinforced by the pistol he had added that he himself was holding to his head. At the bottom of the page, the writing was sloppy, but it clearly said, 

_     I only hurt and kill. Why am I still alive? I can’t take it. _

    “Bucky, please. I’m sorry I raised my voice. You’re hurt. I may have hurt you more. I’m so sorry. Please believe me. I want to help you. I don’t want you to feel this way.” Steve had set the drawing on the bed behind the desk and was kneeling next to Bucky. “I knew you weren’t thinking right from the beginning, but I didn’t think it was this bad. Bucky, I can’t lose you again. You have no idea how badly I need you. If there is something wrong, please, please Bucky please! Tell me! I want to help you but I can’t when you stay silent like this.”

    Bucky kept his head on the desk and stayed silent. Steve was getting frustrated, but he held his patience. 70 years. 70 god damned years. Bucky had to go through pure torture for 70 years straight. Steve had to remember this. No one should ever be able to survive such a life, but Bucky lived. He was extremely strong, but Steve knew he was not invincible. He would have gladly admitted Bucky to get professional help, but that is a big challenge when you’re trying to hide from the entire world. He was trying his hardest to be the next best thing for his friend. 

    “Bucky. I-” Steve choked back a sob before continuing, “I don’t know what to do. I want to help you. I know you’ve been through Hell and back multiple times. I want you to be the Bucky I knew before the war, but I know it will never happen.” He went silent because he couldn’t think of what else to say, but he also was about to cry.

    “It’s just hard,” Bucky finally said. His voice was muffled because he refused to come out from hiding in the desk. “The world wants me dead. I know you don’t but the weight of the entire world and the weight of what I’ve done to deserve this. I-”   


    “Bucky it wasn’t you.”

    “Shut up! That’s a lie!” Bucky raised his head and punched the wall with his normal hand, thankfully. He pulled his fist back and slammed his head into the desk again.

    Steve stayed silent trying to come up with better words. Instead Bucky continued, “So many people are dead because of me and I’ve caused a worldwide terror for several decades. The entire world wants me dead. I also can’t forget anything. I was there for everything, I watched my hands slaughter and was unable to control myself. And the torture I was sent through sitting in that chair? Steve, I can’t do this! I should have pulled the trigger two years ago!”

    “Trigger?” Steve couldn’t move again. 

    “I had a gun, the gun in the drawing. I had it in the drawer in Bucharest. I had it. It was loaded. I could have used it. I should have. Maybe both of us would be better off.”

    “How would both of us be better off?”

    “I would be non-existent. I would be gone. Dead. Eliminated. Executed. Free.” Bucky had to take in a deep breath before continuing. “You wouldn’t have come after me. You wouldn’t have betrayed your friends for me. You wouldn’t have had to carry the title of criminal or refugee. You wouldn’t have to live in this Hell. You wouldn’t of had to deal with me.”

    Steve had to take everything in for a moment before firmly saying, “Yeah. I wouldn’t have done any of that and I wouldn’t be in this situation. But my life wouldn’t be any better.”

    “Don’t lie it would be better. You know you’re here in this mess all because I’m still alive. I shouldn’t be-”

    “Bucky, I would have still looked for you. I never stopped since you saved me from drowning. If you didn’t want me to save you, then why did you save me?” Steve felt his tears coming and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold them back any longer.

    “The world needs you Steve. The world depends- depended on you. You saved the world a few times and everyone looks up to you and you give the people hope. I am the far opposite. There’s a difference between Captain America and The Winter Soldier.”

    “One thing for sure is they’re both dead.” Bucky was silenced by this and Steve was even a little shocked to say it. But he knew why, “Captain America died when the government took his freedom to protect away. I had to retire because I told them I wasn’t signing the Sokovia Accords. Bucky, they want to take away our ability to save the world as we have been. They say they’re gonna tell us where to go and when and probably control a lot of other things. If we didn’t sign them, we had to retire. So I’m done. And the Winter Soldier died on that helicarrier two years ago. You know that just as damn well as I do. Captain America and the Winter Soldier aren’t currently running from the world because dead icons can’t run. It’s Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes they’re really chasing.”

    Steve was rather talking from his heart now because he hardly remembered thinking any of that. It kind of just started flowing and couldn’t stop. But it was all true. Both of their stage names were gone. “Bucky, I want us to forget those names. I want us to go back to being who we are. Try to let go of the past. I understand for you it will be much harder. But I don’t want just you. I want my James Bucky Barnes back.”

    Bucky finally lifted his head finally. Steve really hoped something got through to him. He finally spoke in a very low voice, “I want to die. But I don’t.” He cleared his throat and spoke a bit louder, “I want to be in pain. But I don’t. I’m ok with me feeling pain, but I just, no matter how much you tell me, I just feel like I’m inflicting my pain on you by being around you.”

    “Seeing you hurt hurts me.”

    “That’s what I mean!” Bucky made eye contact with Steve. “I’m hurting you by just being with you.”

    “But I’m hurt even more every second I spend away from you.”

    “You were fine without me.”

    “No I fucking wasn’t!” Steve’s fist hit the desk now making Bucky jump. Not even a second later he was on his knees with his hands on Bucky's shoulders nearly shaking him. “I wish I had died bringing that plane into the water. I didn’t ask to be woken up in 2012, but I stayed alive these past four years because everyone said the world needed me and I saw that so I fought. But I wasn’t living! I was alone. Even with the Avengers. They just weren’t enough. I missed you because you were my everything. Even with this new life I had gained, everyday, I just felt alone. Like I had absolutely nothing.” Steve released Bucky and collapsed to the ground and cried. 

He heard Bucky shift and felt the metal arm on his shoulder. Weight was applied as Bucky lowered himself next to Steve on the floor. “Steve, I-” He choked, trying his hardest to hold back his tears. He stuttered, “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry I yelled. But I will never forgive myself for letting you fall off the train. It was so damn hard completing my mission believing I let you go. Peggy and everyone else said I tried my hardest. But I could’ve been faster. Or I could have jumped after you. I could have saved you. But I failed.”

Steve was still highly shaky but he was somewhat more calm now. He glanced up and saw the tears in Bucky’s eyes, which set him off immediately. He looked down and used his hands to catch the new tears. This time, he felt Bucky grab him. “I’m so sorry Steve. I almost killed you twice. God, what have I done?” Bucky hugged him tightly.

“I tried to let you kill me.” Bucky broke his embrace to look Steve directly in the eye. “You had me at point blank range. You would have shot me hadn’t that RPG hit you. I dropped the shield and the helmet to let you finish your mission. I would have taken the bullet and let you finish me off.”

“And why in the Hell would you do that?!” Bucky sobbed, returning the embrace. After a few minutes of the both of them crying and hugging on the floor, Bucky said, “What’s wrong with us? Both a couple suicidal train wrecks?”

Steve felt a smile come on. “Yeah, we probably are never gonna be right again, but we can at least try? I mean, we do have each other again.”

“Steve, deep down, the want, the need, of death, I can't ignore that.” Steve’s heart dropped slightly. “But now that I know this, I guess I kind of got a bit of a boost.” Steve looked at Bucky’s face and saw a small smile forming under the tears. Steve studied Bucky’s smile, Bucky’s lips, how perfect he looked even in his state. He laid his head down on Bucky’s chest and they both let their tears flow a while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :(


	5. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story about this chapter. I had my wisdom teeth taken out over the summer and the doctor gave me some prescription painkillers to help with that. Guess what? My body HATES heavy painkillers. I'm somehow allergic to heavy pills so I can only take Ibuprofen 1, Tylenol 1, and a couple other light meds. When I was prescribed Ibuprofen 3, it took away the pain for sure, but it knocked me out for 16 hours and then messed with my head while awake. I swear I was freakin' high for at least 72 hours and may have hallucinated a bit but not too extreme. And of course it push my wisdom teeth recovery back a full week. That was fun. But I wrote this chapter while I was having that high period. I have reread this chapter SEVERAL times and still can't believe my mind created this nightmare. I honestly barely remember writing it. The story still follows, it's just, well, not gonna spoil before the chapter, but not only is it depressing, it's also very weird and creepy and like not the most necessary but I still liked how it sounded so I kept it. MINOR SPOILER: If you have a fear of bugs and insects and spiders, please proceed with caution.

**_1,491 DAYS EARLIER (BUCKY) (April 21ST, 2012)_ **

    It was snowy up on Monte Rosa. But he was used to the blizzards.

    _The building inside the mountain. That’s where I need to go._

The Winter Soldier tapped his metal arm on the glass just slightly, but with enough force to shatter it completely. The building was in the side of the mountain with a large metal plate above the actual roof holding the thick snow above the structure. The only way in was through this small window that was barely noticeable from the outside, just barely peaking out from the endless snow. Sudden flat area of snow on a steep mountain gave it away. After hours of climbing, it had just become a simple walk to the window.

He stepped on shattered glass as he stepped inside the building and observed his surroundings. He took two steps and found himself flailing through a spiderweb. It was thick and he could immediately tell there was a few hanging on. He ripped most of the web from his armor and pulled one of the annoying vermin from his shoulder, squashed it, and pulled another from his stomach, squashing that too. This told him he should probably remove his goggles as they made it too dim. As soon as he pulled off the goggles, another creature fell down the side of his face. He slapped it and felt it splatter across his right temple. He wiped off the remains with his glove. He looked around the abandoned building without the goggles. Spider and cobwebs everywhere, walls, floors, and ceilings were crumbling. The air felt thick and he knew he should keep his mask on. The building was apparently abandoned in 1942, not too long after the first Hydra collapse. He saw another spider scurry across the floor in front of him. These things were abnormally huge. He prayed they were all off of him. A bite from whatever these are is probably not to be tested.

    The Soldier walked through the building slowly. Floor tiles crushed underneath him, bits of ceiling and wall occasionally lost their hold and fell to the floor. There were cobwebs and spiderwebs everywhere, and occasionally one of those giant-ass eight-legged beasts would just scurry from under a floor panel and book it across the room to another loose floor panel. The Soldier thought it might be a good idea to send in a science group later to see why these spiders were so big. The smallest one he saw was about the size of a quarter. But the biggest one he saw all night, which thankfully kept its distance, was probably slightly bigger than his clenched metal fist.

    His mission was to find some papers. Intel showed that SHIELD cleared this bunker roughly 70 years ago and never planned on returning, so they took everything. Or so it is said. The man with the suit told him they think there are some old papers hidden somewhere in that bunker, meant to be lost forever, hidden away to never be found. He wanted the Soldier to find these papers. They would be in the farthest room on the lowest floor. How the man got info this specific was interesting, but the Soldier was not allowed to ask questions.

    He kept going through the halls and down stairs. Elevators were all broken due to no electricity. He had to use his flashlight to see anything because there was no light. He eventually came to a sealed vault. He was on the lowest level and was positive this was the right place. More of these big spiders coated the door. The Soldier walked backwards several feet and unlatched and loaded his grenade launcher with a napalm grenade. He aimed and fired. The door erupted into a fiery blaze and slowly rested into a satisfying crinkling sound. The spiders burned before him.

    Once the fire died down, the Soldier went up to the partially melted door and kicked what was left of it off its hinges. It was sent flying inwards. He stepped over the burned remains of the monstrous arachnids and entered the room. A very cold wind passed over his exposed eyes. He aimed his flashlight into the room and was highly disappointed. The room was clear. No shelves, no desks, no drawers, no tables, not even an old light. Nothing. Except for a tiny box.

    It was a very small package, sealed with tape. It was rotting, but he guess the papers were protected inside. It was actually sealed quite heavily. This was odd since the Soldier thought the people that left them wanted them to rot. But he also started questioning why this was here. How did his masters know this was here? And why would someone try to preserve something they want to destroy?

    He grabbed his knife and ripped into the box. He was not ordered not to read it, and as long as he got the papers he would succeed his mission. He grabbed the papers inside. It was only a few papers. The Soldier examined the papers. They dated back to 1955. It was a suspect questioning. The suspect’s name was Agent Margaret “Peggy” Carter. _That name is familiar._ The case she was being tried for was the death of Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America. _Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers. Why would I know that name? Focus dammit!_ He continued reading the papers, looking for something of value. Of course, this will probably be more valuable to the man in the suit because he wants them. He was still curious and was not on a strict time limit this time. He found what was apparently Carter’s claim of how Captain America truly died, and it was not what the public was told earlier.

   

**_(((((((Concerning the Mystery of the Death of Captain America Steve Rogers)))))))_ **

**_(((01/17/55)))_ **

**_(Interrogator Henry Jones Leads the Questioning)_ **

**** **_(Agent Margaret “Peggy” Carter of SHIELD Steps Up To The Platform)_ **

    **_“Agent Carter, the army informed the people that Captain America, Steve Rogers, sacrificed himself for the greater good of the people. Evidence has been found to support this, but some new information has emerged. Tell me if this is correct: The plane Captain Rogers hijacked from Hydra was armed with bombs fueled by the tesseract. He claimed he could not set the plane down without any of the bombs detonating, so he made the ultimate sacrifice and sent the plane into the arctic ocean himself. Please confirm.”_ **

**** **_“This is correct, sir.”_ **

**** **_“Okay. Well, during an investigation of the labs Hydra had used, they found more bombs and confirmed these were the same bombs as the ones loaded on that ship. Upon investigation, these bombs were discovered to not be remote detonatable and the chance of them detonating due to pressure change or sudden movement were almost inexistent. So what they found out was that the bombs on the ship were actually safe to land and could have been disarmed easily. Now, Agent, we know there are safe places away from civilization that this plane could have been landed. The Captain could have been saved. My next question to you is, why did you not tell him of the nearest safe place?”_ **

**** **_“I tried to tell him. He told me he couldn’t do it.”_ **

**** **_“The Captain would have been smarter than that. We still have threats of war everywhere and you and all the rest of SHIELD and the US army claim that Captain America is the best Soldier we’ve ever had and he could not be replaced. Why would he just give up his life and not attempt to be ready to protect his country again if he was so bent on protecting his people?”_ **

**** **_“You believe I killed him?”_ **

**** **_“That is exactly what this new evidence is suggesting. The people in the room with you claimed he said he was going to put the plane into the ocean, and you did not even try to stop him. You didn’t give him coordinates or try to tell him he was wrong-”_ **

**** **_(Jones Is Abruptly Interrupted By Carter)_ **

**** **_“I tried to tell him! But he wouldn’t accept the attempt. And that’s a lie! I informed him that there was a place for him to land safely away from civilians. I told him. But he refused to risk it.”_ **

**** **_“It just doesn’t make sense. To just give up his life and not try to stay alive for one more battle. Agent, I believe there is something you’ve got twisted.”_ **

**** **_“Everything I’ve said so far is true. I have details I left out.”_ **

**** **_“Will they settle this situation?”_ **

**** **_“It depends on how stubborn you guys are to believe them.”_ **

**** **_“Well, do tell.”_ **

**** **_“I want this information classified.”_ **

**** **_“It most likely will be. Depending on the severity of your evidence.”_ **

**** **_“Alright. Here goes: A few days before the mission to take down Johann Schmidt and Hydra once and for all, there was a mission to capture his right hand man Doctor Arnim Zola. Captain Rogers and his team had to board a moving train to capture the Doctor. He and his partner took point in capturing the doctor. This partner was Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes. Barnes and Rogers had been inseparable friends since their young childhoods and were still inseparable on the battlefield. They even refused to go on their own missions. When one had a job, the other was always within eyesight. If a mission was assigned for just one of them, they would argue with the superiors until it was changed. There was never one without the other. It was always, and I mean always, Captain Rogers and Sgt Barnes. I sometimes believed there to be something more than a friendship. If there was, that secret died with them. Anyway, due to a complication in the capture mission, a firefight erupted that caused a hole to be blown in the side of the demon racing train. (Carter Pauses To Breathe) Barnes was hit near the hole and pushed out of the train, falling several hundred feet to his death. Captain Rogers completed the mission, but when he returned without Barnes, no one recognized him. I and everyone else at that camp could tell there was something severely wrong. That night he wandered off and was found in a bar a few miles from camp. I was sent to talk with him. By the time I got there, he had consumed 16 bottles of vodka. And straight up drank them from the bottle too. Thankfully the enhancing serum he was given fought off the negative ingredients of the alcohol and Rogers was unaffected, although he told me he wished it would work. I tried to talk to him, but he told me it was his fault he lost Barnes and refused to believe my disagreeance with that claim. He proceeded to down five more bottles of vodka before agreeing, quite reluctantly might I add, to come back to camp and prepare for what would be his final mission. I knew when we were prepping that there was something wrong with him. I suggested getting the Captain mental aid before the mission or having him sit out, but the other generals and the Captain disagreed. There were other warning signs everywhere. His plan of infiltrating Schmidt's base was suicidal, but he made sure he got the suicidal job and all of his other men were somewhat safer. Then before splitting up so he could get to his position, since he started this mission solo, he told everyone in his group, and I mean everyone personally, that it was an honor serving with them, and told each of them goodbye. He told me before walking out that it was a true honor knowing me and told me goodbye. I tried to warn the general, but he and everyone else said he was just nervous for the mission. I know he was not. After his goodbye to me, I followed him out to the door. Before he took off on his motorcycle to the main base, I saw him pull a photo out of his suit. I was lucky to have my binoculars on me. It was a photo of him and Barnes obviously a year or two old at least. The way he looked at the photo like it was the last time was the next warning sign. The next one was when after a brief fight in the Hydra base, Schmidt escaped to his plane and then the General and I helped the Captain board the plane, and I swear the way he looked back at me and him before he jumped on board, I could just see it in his eyes that we were never going to see him alive again. Then the radio call came in. He said Schmidt was dead and the plane was armed with explosives meant for the cities of the US. He said, and I quote, ‘I gotta put it in the water.’ I told him I would give him the coordinates for a place to land, but he said, and I can quote again, ‘Peggy, you and I both know that isn’t gonna happen.’”_ **

**** **_(Carter Pauses. She Is Crying Now)_ **

**** **_“I’m sorry Agent Carter. But you are telling me that Captain America’s death was not truly an act of sacrifice for the greater good, but really a suicide from grief and loss?”_ **

**** **_(Carter Takes Roughly 3 Minutes To Answer The Question As She Is Still Crying.)_ **

**** **_“I’m terribly sorry sir, but yes.”_ **

**_(Carter Requests A Minute To Calm Down.)_ **

**_(Jones Allows.)_ **

**_(Carter Takes 2 Minutes Before Continuing.) “I knew since he returned from the Zola mission that he was not right. I knew he needed help. He was far too positive and determined before his loss. We knew with him, we could never lose because he filled us all with his positivity and determination. When he came back without Barnes, it was obvious the true Captain Rogers had also died with Barnes. He was far too different to ever be who we once knew. He was still able to lead his men and then face Schmidt himself, but the entire mission everyone could tell he wasn’t right. Barnes, like I said, was always with him, and he was always with Barnes. The two were actually quite literally inseparable. This last mission, it was so bloody obvious he was an entirely different Captain Rogers. When I heard his voice over the radio saying he was going to put the plane down, I knew what he really wanted. The sudden depression, the attitude change, the goodbyes, his sudden anger when boarding the plane, all after losing the one person that has been there all his life, I knew he was doing it. And I knew he wasn’t going to listen to me. I tried to get him to land, I tried to make him question his decision, but I knew from the way he said it, he was really going to go down with the ship. And I knew if I didn’t try to at least stop him once, I would be questioned. But of course, it wasn’t enough. I gave up because I knew there was no stopping him, so I didn’t want to stand in the way of what he truly wanted. I complied to his last wish at least: I talked to him until I heard static”_ **

**** **_(Silence For Roughly 2 Minutes As Jones Talks With Assistant On The Topic)_ **

**** **_(A Runner Is Asked To Find Tissues And Water For Carter)_ **

**** **_(Jones Continues)_ **

**** **_“Um, well Agent Carter. Although we do not have specific evidence such as proof of Captain Rogers’ sudden depression or his sudden goodbye wishes, we do have the proof of the death of Sgt. Barnes and proof that the two have known each other for nearly their whole lives. This new ‘suicide’ development is definitely not out of the question. I am not sure how it can be developed further without any real evidence. Perhaps-”_ **

**** **_(Jones Is Abruptly Interrupted By Carter Again)_ **

**** **_“Of course you’re still considering me a murderer. Believe what you want. Arrest me if you must. But know this: I saw Rogers and Barnes were much closer than just friends. I saw how they were never ever not together. I saw the change in Rogers after the train incident. I heard every goodbye and honorable mention he had to give before his last mission. And I heard his voice when he said he was going down. I will say it flat out: Captain America was concerned for the lives of the citizens of America. He did believe in protecting the people and did know that that one plane was dangerous. And I believe some of him died to serve his country. But the real reason he didn’t return home from that mission was because he was consumed with guilt and grief. The sacrifice he made was, in fact, a suicide that he chose. He refused to live without his friend or live with the guilt that said it was his fault. Another reminder and quote, the last thing he said to me on the subject of Barnes was ‘it was my fault. I could have saved him.’ This is Agent Margaret Carter saying that Captain Steve Rogers committed suicide following the success of the Hydra takedown mission. I will take no more questions and will stand in this room no longer. Good day gentlemen and I thank you for your patience.”_ **

**** **_(Carter Leaves Platform Unexcused)_ **

**** **_(Security Starts To Move To Resist Carter’s Unauthorized Leave)_ **

**_(Jones Pardons Carter)_ **

**_(Carter Leaves The Building As Council Reviews Her Claim)_ **

**** **_(((((((Case Ends Unresolved)))))))_ **  

    The Soldier flipped the page to see that is where the papers end. That was it. It was just the recap of this claim as to why this so called Captain America Steve Rogers really died. It is not even solid evidence, just an agent’s rather close observation of a certain man before he tragically died. Evidently this man purposely crashed a plane. The Soldier evaluated the evidence given and concluded that loss can certainly drive a person into crashing their own plane. But was this evidence enough to solve this case? Maybe the man in the suit would know.

    _No questions! No curiosity! The mission Soldier!_

The Soldier had brought a flat but spacious briefcase to safely carry the paper. He sees now it was to spacious, but at least he could just strap the case to his back and now worry about damaging the papers.

He recalled something he had read in those papers. A name that caught his attention.

_James Buchanan Barnes._

The name was far too familiar. He knew it. He didn’t know why or how, but he did. He tried to remember, but then remembered that remembering too much would bring punishment.

As he made his way back up through the building, the name stayed in his mind.

_James Buchanan Barnes._

He reached the top step of the top level where he entered through the window and was nearly pushed back down the stairs. He pulled his pistol from his side holster and fired 3 bullets into the creature in front of him. Now _this_ was a giant spider. This was even bigger than the biggest one he saw earlier. This one was well bigger than than the Soldier’s head. It was as if it was waiting for him at the top of the stairs and it was posed in an attack position. The Soldier wasn’t taking any chances.

It laid dead on the ground bleeding in three places. He realised all these guys were the same in looks. Black, fuzzy, bright green eyes, lots of them, and the pinchers looked painful. The smaller versions were probably not too bad, but seeing one of these things this big?

The Soldier suddenly realised the broken window. _What if they get out? How many have escaped already? What the Hell is in these things?_ He remembered the man in the suit said that SHIELD once tested strange serums in this building. Perhaps leftover waste or spilled serums have infected these spider? These things should probably not be free.

The Soldier ran back downstairs to the bottom floor. The building was old, but the walls were still wood and other burnable materials. The Soldier had some napalm grenades. _This place should burn._

He went to the top of the steps that led to the bottom floor and pulled the pin of one grenade and tossed it down the stairs. He ran for the other staircase and was halfway up when he felt the explosion and saw the light from the sudden blaze. Flames erupted from the staircase behind him and the wall and ceiling caught flame instantly. _Alright, that’s spreading fast. Book it!_ He tossed grenades into some separate rooms, but for the most part, he knew the material would burn easily and just spread them in the center halls of each floor.

He was running across the hall to the next staircase when the ground in front of him erupted into flames and fell to the floor below him. The napalm was spreading way too quicker than he thought. This building needed to go. The floor in front of him was now gone and he went to the alternate staircase that led to the floor he was aiming for. The was another loud noise above him and he rolled forward before a part of the ceiling nearly crushed him. When this tile fell It had something on it. An _even larger_ spider. Triple the size of the last. And this one was really poised to attack.

Its eight legs picked up speed as the spider charged towards the Soldier. He pulled his pistol and fired three bullets into the things face, but it was only slightly slowed down. The Soldier holstered his pistol and unlatched his machine gun while turning and running away. When he got his rifle ready he turned and sprayed the creature until it collapsed in a mess of legs and weird green blood. _What the Hell were you people doing here?!_ He turned and ran towards the staircase. Another spider was waiting, roughly the same size as the last, and several smaller ones surrounded it. And not just casually standing by it, but actually surrounding it. _The f-?!_ He fired his rifle into the giant spider and it charged him. He stood his ground and kept firing until it slumped and tripped over itself and twitched and died. The smaller spiders started crawling back into the walls and floor tiles. The Soldier watched the stairs and waited for them all to go away before proceeding cautiously to the stairs.

_“Bucky c’mon!”_

The Soldier stopped and pointed his gun behind him. The building was burning around him and he knew he needed to go, but he heard a voice. A familiar voice. He knew the building was abandoned. No one should be here but him. But that voice. He knew it. Somehow, he knew it. And the name it called, he knew that too. _Who are you? I know you…_

He shook it off as hearing fire sizzling and booked it up the stairs. A smaller spider was halfway up and he didn’t even stop to check it. He just sprayed it down. He heard the building dropping around him and the fire crackling was all around him. _How is this level already on fire?!_

He made it to the top of the staircase and ran forward for a minute until he came to a sudden halt. The ground in front of the Soldier was gone. He was at the top level. There were no more staircases and turning back would only go down. He had to jump over the hole. He ran backwards and positioned himself to sprint a good distance from the burning hole. He sprinted forward and leaped.

For a second he flew through the air until he felt the ground collide with him. He cleared the hole well. He got up and was about to sprint forward when he heard that voice behind him.

“ _Just go! Get outta here!”_

The Soldier turned around and saw a man standing right where he just jumped from. He was in an old World War II American Army uniform. The Soldier raised his gun. _There was no one here!_

_“No! Not without you!”_

The Soldier turned to his right and saw another man in torn clothing but had a pair of dog tags around his neck. The Soldier was frozen. _It- No! I’m hallucinating. Get out of here!_ He couldn’t move. He was stuck staring at this figure that was a mess with hair and clothing.

_That face. That’s- Me?!_

The man that looked like the Soldier vanished into thin air. The Soldier was still holding his gun. He turned and pointed his gun to the man he saw on the other side of the hole. He stood there for a moment, made eye contact with the Soldier, and vanished just like the man that looked like himself did. The Soldier wanted answers, but a beam from the ceiling above started falling towards him, so he clutched his rifle and flung himself towards the broken window. When the beam smashed behind him, he saw in the eruption of flames a large black mass crawl from the side facing up.

 _Alright. You are the largest abomination here. Please tell me that is correct._ This one had to be the size of a helicopter. The Soldier grabbed his rifle and switched to grenade launcher and loaded another napalm grenade. The spider goliath crawled to him slowly as the Soldier aimed his grenade. The pinchers on this one were huge and you could see the gleaming sharpness at the point. This one obviously doesn’t need venom to kill a human. The Soldier pulled the trigger, hearing and feeling the grenade shoot from his arms, and watched the goliath burst into flames. The creature withdrew its attack immediately as it attempted to recover from the sudden explosion of flames. As the soldier turned and ran for the window, he could have sworn he heard the creature _scream in pain._ _Why does this exist?!_

He dove through the window just as another spider, much smaller, dove for him, but missed. _It jumped at me. Perfect._ He landed in the snow and quickly propped himself up on his knee and spun to spray the goliath and the other spider with his rifle. The smaller sized spider died with ease. The goliath though…

His gun clicked. He didn’t have time for a new mag. He set his gun down and stood his ground as the goliath tried to fit itself through the small window. It wasn’t gonna bulge, which was good, but the building wasn’t burning fast enough and the goliath was crumbling the wall. He felt his metal arm tense up and he knelt down, ready to charge. The goliath was stuck in the window now. Only two legs were free. _It’ll do._ The Soldier charged forward and leaped towards the goliath. It was distracted trying to free its legs. His arm tightened and he flung it forward, his fist hitting the tip of the right pincher and shoving it right into the spider’s suddenly visible mouth as well as pushing the spider back through the window into the building. The Soldier had to kick off the creature to avoid landing in it’s mouth. _It’s huge but why a giant mouth?!_ To his horror, the creature screamed again. The sound was frightening and sickening. Even the Winter Soldier, the stone cold assassin, standing in the blizzard barely showing a shiver, received a chill down his spine hearing the creature’s roar. The thing was still alive but barely functioning with one pincher shoved through its body into it’s mouth. Unluckily, this blow shoved the spider back through the window, freeing it from the restraint and bringing down part of the building frame, making it a wider hole that the creature could obviously fit through now. The Soldier stood up and poised himself for another charge, but he felt the ground shake. The visible frame of the building came crashing down atop the goliath. The creature gave off one more blood-curdling scream that became softer as the rubble piled up. The metal plates holding the snow off the building stayed

The Soldier stood in the snow stunned. He nailed the creature in the face with a napalm grenade, sprayed it with nearly a full rifle round, delivered a blow with his metal arm, and now a quarter of a burning building is crushing it. The scream was silent now, but it was clearly still alive. It had to be hurt pretty bad at least. The Soldier was about to step closer when he saw a bright green liquid flowing from under the rubble. The other smaller creatures he killed had that same colored “blood.” _There must have been some pretty sick scientist working here._

He cautiously stepped towards the pile of rubble. It shifted under him slightly. He climbed to the top of the pile and was greeted to the creature’s mouth. It was wide open and full of its blood. _It should be suffocating._ A bubble rose from the liquid and popped with a slight whimper. The Soldier wasn’t going to chance this. He loaded a new clip into his gun and fired the entire round into the creature’s eyes. It tried to scream again but the burning inferno behind him made it barely inaudible. The creature’s mouth started to close and a beam fell on top of it’s mouth right next to the Soldier. He didn’t even move; it just fell next to him. He had an idea, and he really hated it. He was going to have to book it to the flat part of the mountain in about 15 seconds in a blizzard. He was the Winter Soldier though. Should be no challenge.

He locked his rifle onto his back and hopped across the creature’s sealed mouth onto a different beam. The fire died on this pile but still blazed inside the mountain. The upcoming avalanche should bury the place for good. He checked his back to assure the briefcase was still hooked, which it was. He leaned forward and touched the creature's mouth, and the spider whimpered. _You have got to be f-ing kidding me._ It made dying noises but was clearly still alive. The Soldier was not going to let this thing live any longer though. He grabbed the bottom “lip” of the spider and pulled it down. He reached the frag grenade in his other hand up to his mouth and pulled the pin. He shoved it into the creature mouth and clamped the lips together. He kicked another few beams on top of the spider’s mouth, locking its lips sealed, and leaped off the beams and booked it like a runaway train.

_“BUCKY!”_

He froze at the wrong time. The grenade was muffled by the mouth of the spider, but it still caused one Hell of an explosion. The Soldier was knocked off balance and tumbled into the snow.

But that sensation. That tiny moment of falling down. The Soldier blinked for a moment.

Bad idea.

He opened them and found himself moving on a train, a rather fast train. He saw a man in front of him. It was the man he had seen in the building in the uniform. A large robot came up behind them and fired a cannon that shot a brilliant blue pulse. The man jumped in front of the Soldier and blocked the blast with his shield. It bounced off and blew the side of the train car wide open, all well as knocking the man down and the shield out of his hands and in front of the Soldier. Without any control he reached down and picked up the shield. _My arm! It’s- normal._ He held the shield in his left hand, which should be metal, and had a pistol in his other hand. He fired at the robot, but it fired back. The Soldier blocked the blast with the shield, but the punch sent him backwards and out of the train. He frantically grabbed a safety bar that hung to the blown off train wall to stop his fall. He held on for dear life as the man started climbing out after him. He started shimmying towards this man with no though.

_“Bucky! Grab on!”_

_Bucky?_

He reached for the man desperately. He felt the bar he was holding suddenly snap and he felt his body drop.

_“BUCKY!”_

He heard himself scream as he fell. His vision blurred as the ground neared.

And he fell gently on snow. The ground was shaking. He heard fire burning. He opened his eyes.

_The grenade. The spiders. The mission!_

He felt his back. _Still there._ Then he saw the snow coming. _Shit I forgot the avalanche!_ He turned and ran.

                                                                                                                  **********************************

“Mission Report.”

The Soldier handed the man in the suit the briefcase. He open it and saw the papers. He examined them. He looked somewhat interested. The Soldier hoped he hadn’t failed anything.

“Excellent work, Soldier,” he said. “Any other details I should know about?”

_I won’t tell him of the flashes. They’re my memories. I know it. I just don’t know to what. He can’t know. But I’ll forget them soon…_

“Soldier?”

“I set the place on fire,” he said with little emotion.

The man seemed a bit disappointed. “Why?”

The Soldier told his story of the conditions of the building, but it was the spiders that the man seemed interested in.

“The people that used that place long ago had tested serum on whatever they could get their hands on. I bet fighting one the size of a chopper was fun.”

“It was enjoyable,” The Soldier agreed.

    “Well, enough setting buildings on fire and fighting giant spiders. We need to wipe you again.”

    “What about the papers?”

    The man seemed concerned. “What about them? Did you read them?”

    The Soldier hesitated, but then nodded his head.

    “Well, we need them for a later assignment for you. You won’t remember these later. But they are very important to you. And a potential target.”

    The Soldier nodded and let the people push him backwards onto the table. _Here we go again._ A doctor stuffed the rubber mouth guard in his mouth. He felt his arms and legs be connected to the device and the metal came to his head. Right before he felt the first shock, he heard the name again.

    _Bucky?_

The first shock hit and he winced in pain

    _Bucky?!_

A second shock. This one much more painful. The third hit then a fourth and fifth. He was screaming through the guard now.

    _BUCKY!_

**_PRESENT DAY (BUCKY)_ **

    “Bucky! Bucky! Wake up! Bucky!”

    Bucky opened his eyes and flung himself forward grabbing at the man in the suit

    _No. Not him. Steve._

“Bucky. You had another nightmare. It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

    Bucky was still grasping Steve’s sides so he released his grip and backed up. He forgot he was sitting and backed off the couch and onto the floor. Steve grabbed him by his sides and picked him up. With his strength Bucky practically flew up and Steve pulled him into his arms.

    Bucky threw his arms around Steve’s waist and pushed his head into Steve’s neck. “Oh God, Steve, I’m sorry.”

    “Buck this isn’t your fault. Stop apologizing.”

    Bucky started to cry into Steve’s neck and clenched his arms around him tighter, Steve grasping him tighter soon after. He felt so confused. He can’t tell always what memories are his or the Winter Soldier’s or both or if they’re real. He couldn’t tell where he was. _I’m with Steve._ “Steve, where am I? What year is it?” He needed to know for sure.

Steve’s hand went to start petting Bucky’s hair and he took a deep breath and soothingly said, “It’s 2016. We are in Constanta, Romania. We are currently living together in an apartment provided to us by Scott Lang, AKA Ant Man, and his friends. We are hiding from the government. I’m Steve and I’ve got you. Whatever just happened was a nightmare. You’re safe now, I promise.” Steve, without loosening his grip on Bucky at all, lowered the two of them back onto the couch so they could sit down.

Bucky nestled himself closer to Steve’s body, who tightened his grip even more. He continued stroking Bucky’s hair, which made Bucky feel a lot better. The tears slowed down and he calmed his breathing a bit.

“You here, Buck?” Steve asked gently.

“I- I think so,” Bucky was shaking pretty badly now.

He started placing together the dream he had with the memories he had now. Bucky started to understand everything. Why he needed to find those papers. They wanted Captain America’s greatest weakness. It was him. Bucky Barnes was Steve Rogers’ weakness. If what Peggy said in the papers was true…

“Steve?” Bucky asked softly.

“I’m here.” Steve didn’t let go or stop stroking his hair.

“I need to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“When you crashed the plane into the arctic,” Bucky felt Steve’s arms tense at the mention of that day. He knew this would hurt, but he had to know. “Why?”

“Buck what do you mean?”

“Why did you do it?”

Steve was silent for a few seconds before nervously answering, “The plane was armed with those bombs made from the tesseract. I wasn’t risking having those around any longer. The frozen water would immediately disable them.”

“The bombs were harmless. They needed to be manually set off.”

“How would you know this?”

Bucky wanted to shut up and cry again, but he went on. “A mission. I went into an abandoned SHIELD facility to find some old files.”

“Wait a minute Buck. You mean back in, uh, those days?”

“Yes, a Winter Soldier mission.” Bucky felt his voice shake and knew Steve could sense it. Bucky pulled away from Steve’s embrace and looked down on the floor.

“Bucky, the thing when you look down. I know that means something is bothering you. Tell me what’s up.”

Bucky remained silent and staring at the ground. He was afraid to set Steve off again like last week. He took a deep breath and went on, more confidently, “The papers were a case report examining your death. After you went down with the plane, people began to think Carter murdered you by not helping you land it safely. She was questioned about it. I wasn’t ordered not to read the papers once I found them, so I did. My nightmare- I remember what they said now.” Bucky stopped to breath. He finally looked back up at Steve, and lord did he suddenly looked nervous as Hell. He continued, “She said she knew you could have landed the plane safely. But she didn’t show much resistance to your choice because she said- She knew- stuff. She knew something was, off, about you, after I-” he choked and stopped talking there. He looked away from Steve for a few seconds as he comprehended what was happening. Before the tears could fall again, he made eye contact again and asked, “Why did you really crash that plane?” His voice was high and now his throat burned again. Steve was the one to look at the floor this time. Bucky hoped he hadn’t pissed him off too much this time. He hated hurting Steve, but he needed to know. “I’m sorry Steve. I need to know. What Peggy told the interrogator and the people- Steve?”

“Bucky, I knew I could land the plane safely.” Bucky looked to Steve who was still looking at the floor. “Peggy did try to get me a safe place to land. But I told her it wasn’t gonna happen. I knew they would call it a sacrifice. That’s what it needed to sound like. I don’t think they nation or the world would ever care to know why.” He finally looked back up at Bucky.

Bucky tried to swallow his tears. “No. No. Steve-”

“You read the papers. Did she say it was a suicide?” Bucky nodded. Steve sighed and suddenly said, far too calmly, “She’s right.”  Bucky felt a sharp stabbing in his heart. The idiot really did die because of him. He wanted to cry and lash out at Steve and explain why that was a terrible idea, but he was frozen in shock. He couldn’t move at all, so he couldn't stop Steve from going on. “The people believed I made a sacrifice. I really don’t think it’s a sacrifice for the greater good when it actually is suicide. I let you fall off the train. I watched you fall. I should have moved faster or jumped off and found you.”

“Steve-”

“Don’t you say it Bucky!” Bucky drew back at Steve’s sudden outburst. Steve’s breathing got heavier and he darkly said,  “I could have saved you. Even if you and everyone else says I couldn’t I still failed at keeping you alive. We were supposed to have each other’s backs but I failed and watched you die because of it.” Bucky saw his fists were clenched and could tell he was fighting back tears. “I finished the mission. I fought Hydra. I murdered that red skulled bastard. I saved people. But I lost everything. I lost fucking everything!” Steve attempted to calm his breathing and relaxed back into the cushions of the couch. More calmly and slowly he said, “Bucky, I don’t know how many times I’ve said it, but you are my everything. I lost you. I thought you were gone forever. You were my everything back then and I watched everything fall off that train. Peggy was right. I was off that last mission and she tried to get me to sit out and see a psychiatrist but I told her I was fine.” Bucky swallowed, he felt a tear fall down his cheek, and Steve leaned over to wipe it of his face. Bucky was not too sure what was happening but Steve now had both of his hands on his cheeks and was holding his face firmly. Steve stared deeply into his eyes, letting Bucky see the pain it took to talk about this. He spoke quickly and with little breath, “Bucky, here is the truth. I told her I was fine because I planned to kill myself after the battle was won. I planned to finish off whatever was still alive in me after I finished Hydra. Everything I ever had was gone. I had nothing to go home to. Hell I didn’t even have a home anymore. I didn’t want to go on. It took a lot of motivation to even continue after you fell. I still went on because I knew people were depending on me. I went and I won the battle that day. I saved a lot of people. But not the one person I needed to keep me going. I hijacked that plane Schmidt took and murdered him on it. I ended his reign of terror there. I saw the plane had bombs. That when I knew it. That’s how I was going down. I was ready to bring that ship down. I didn’t even think twice. I didn’t hesitate. Peggy told me to land it and I straight up told her it wasn’t happening. I was done. I couldn’t go on. Not without you. I sent the plane into the water ready to be dead. Because I wasn’t living a life without you.” Bucky watched a tear fall from Steve’s eye and used his metal hand to wipe it away. “Bucky, I was never gonna live with myself. I knew if I didn’t end my life there I was gonna get worse and do it later. After the train mission, I thought about my life. I knew I could never live on because my whole life was you. I saw the chance to die with a purpose and I took it. I didn’t really care about the bombs and the safety of the people. I knew the war wasn’t over and I knew they would need me again. But I had no motivation. Nothing. I gave up. I quit. I wanted death, so I drove a plane into a freezing ocean to achieve it. I’m sorry Bucky. You’re probably gonna tell me I’m stupid for not trying to continue. But I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to suffer. Those papers were right. I didn’t sacrifice myself. I wanted to end it all.”

Steve breathed in and let his hands fall from Bucky’s face to his shoulders. Another tear fell from his eye and he just sat there staring at Bucky. Bucky did want to tell him he was an idiot for ending his life and quitting that easily, but he also thought about the other way around. _If Steve died, I would suffer. I would fail and end my life eventually. Steve is my everything too._ He couldn’t find his voice to say what he wanted. Instead, he just looked at Steve in the most understanding way he could. He could only manage to say brokenly, “I would have done the same,” and a sob escaped him, cutting him off and bringing the tears back. Steve started crying again too and grabbed Bucky and brought him back into his strong arms. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and held on as if he were afraid to let go. Steve was holding him just as tight as both men cried into the other’s shoulder. Bucky felt Steve’s hand go to gently brush his hair and he nestled his head further into Steve’s neck.

They cried for about 10 minutes. Bucky’s eyes burned and he could barely breath. When they had settled down mostly Steve leaned into the corner of the couch arm and back with his legs stretched in front of him while Bucky laid on top of him and curled up into Steve’s chest and arms with his head nestled into Steve’s neck. He wrapped his normal arm around Steve’s neck and let his metal arm rest on Steve’s heart. Steve had one arm wrapped around Bucky securely and laid his other hand on Bucky’s metal hand. When Steve’s hand met his, he was suddenly distracted by the feeling of Steve’s hand. He focused on feeling through the metal that was attached to him. He could feel some sensation through the metal, but he didn’t know if it was, _real._

Steve must have noticed he was thinking. “Can you feel my hand in yours?” He asked Bucky softly.

“I feel something. But I’m not sure what exactly. I know it’s your hand, but I’m not sure…” he trailed off in a lose for words. Out of nowhere Steve started running his fingers up and down Bucky’s arm. “Okay I can feel that.” Steve laughed a little and Bucky found himself feeling a tiny smile. “I just don’t think it’s me. It’s foreign. It just feels different. This part is just not me, but something else entirely.”

    “Can’t say I understand but I get it’s different. Bucky, I still feel you holding this hand. I can feel it is still you.”

    “It’s attached to me, but, I just don’t know what I actually feel through it.”

    Steve slid his hand under Bucky’s palm and laced their fingers together. He was confused, but Bucky suddenly felt flustered. He felt warm and knew he was blushing. He felt Steve’s hand holding his tightly. He smiled more at the realisation. He was about to close his eyes and nestle back into Steve’s neck when Steve lifted their hands to his face and pressed his lips gently but firmly onto the back of Bucky’s metal hand. Bucky couldn’t move, but he felt it. He knew he felt it. Deep down, he could feel Steve’s lips on the back of his hand, kissing his hand, loving him, all of him, even what Bucky wasn’t convinced was him. His blush grew hotter but he savored the feeling. Steve finally rested his lips and pulled their hands away from his mouth. He looked over his shoulder at Bucky, who was still very stunned.

    “Could you feel that?” Steve asked softly.

    Bucky could only nod his head and give his gentle smile, which caused Steve to smile.

    “You look tired and I’m tired. Why don’t we get some rest?” Steve asked softly again.

    Bucky could only nod again. Steve smiled and leaned his head towards Bucky’s. Before he could even comprehend the sudden movement he felt Steve’s lips plant gently against his forehead. Bucky accepted this without hesitation and closed his eyes so he could feel. Steve pulled his lips away slowly and looked to Bucky as if to confirm that was okay.

    “I could definitely feel that,” Bucky finally said with a grin.

    Steve chuckled and brought his and Bucky’s laced hands back onto his chest. He still gripped the metal hand tightly and added more strength to the arm securing Bucky tightly against him. Bucky clenched his metal hand tighter and nestled his head back into the crook of Steve’s neck and felt Steve lean his head against his.

He closed his eyes and smiled at the feeling of being safe and secure with Steve. Steve had just told him that he tried to commit suicide 70 years ago because he didn’t want to live a life without Bucky. Now, he held Bucky as if he was afraid he’d let him fall again. Bucky knew how much he loved this. He knew Steve had him and was never letting go. He knew he had to stay alive for Steve. But now, it felt less of a mission and more of a want. He wanted to cuddle with Steve on a couch or bed. He wanted Steve to hold on to him and he wanted to hold on to Steve. He also wanted Steve to pet his hair more. It was such a nice and soothing feeling. But now, he realised how much more he loved Steve’s kisses. Steve had kissed his metal hand, making Bucky feel like it was actually his hand. And then feeling Steve’s lips on his forehead… He suddenly longed to feel Steve’s lips on his own. He knew he would feel it. Someday. He had to stay alive with Steve to feel it though. He loved Steve with all his heart and knew Steve was the same with him. They both just need to stay alive with each other. He had to keep Steve alive and wanting to live. Bucky’s new mission was clear: love Steve like he’s always wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. That's that. Let me know what you think? PS That present day part at the end was NOT written when I was high. I was mostly recovered by then.


	6. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a chapter from the perspective of the other Avengers while Steve and Bucky are in hiding!

**_PRESENT DAY (TONY)_ **

    “Anything?” Natasha asked as she approached the glass.

    “Nope. Silent,” Tony replied. They just continued looking through the one way glass.

    “Step outta line, come on. Please?” Everett Ross was obviously having fun with this interrogation. “Either do that or answer my question. Please? You’re very boring. Come on this is my job all day I need some entertainment.

    Prisoner  Helmut Zemo stared ahead at Ross with the blankest of expressions that even Tony was jealous of. He has tried to perfect the blank stare forever, but this guy has obviously won. Ross continued banging the metal on the box containing Zemo and repeating his question.

    “Seriously, dude. What was your intention? You agrod the dude Barnes and tried to escape. Why?” Ross gave Zemo a dead stare at the conclusion of the question. Tony was impressed by this one too.

    Zemo finally blinked and looked up. “To see them fall,” he said blankly in his heavy German accent.

    “Who?” Ross asked.

    “Who the bloody Hell do you think!?” Zemo snapped.

    Ross sighed and said, “I’m guessing you’re not a fan of the Avengers? Probably destroy the action figures then.” Zemo went back to his blank stare. “Why though? What’d they do to you?”

    “What didn’t they do?” Zemo replied. He looked towards the glass at Tony and Natasha. He should only be seeing a mirror, but Tony guessed he knew they were standing behind that glass. This guess what soon confirmed. “You claim you save people. You save some people. But what about the ones you don’t see? Like my family. Their lives taken from them in Sokovia. Where were you guys then?”

    Tony suddenly felt sick. More Sokovia casualties. “Dammit.” He clenched his fists and took a few steps away from the glass. Nat laid her hand on his shoulder.

    “You want answers? Gladly. I have nothing to lose now. You guys think you’re heroes? I wish I could see you as the same. But I lost all that I had. You are nothing but mindless show offs to me.” Zemo smiled and Tony saw a tear fall. “What was my intention? I found your Captain’s weakness and used it against all of you. And does it hurt to know he chose this ‘weapon’ over his own team? You guys want to kill him and his friend. Do you even know why? Now he has the intention to kill all of you blind idiots. Now I know all of your weaknesses: All of you are too stubborn and proud to see the obvious picture. Broken friendships can be quite deadly. I wanted to see you Avengers fall. And what better way to do it than see you rip each other apart yourselves?”

    Ross stood frozen and wide eyed on the other side of the box. He looked from Zemo up to the glass where he knew someone was observing from and gave a look that said _Holy Shit,_ then looked back to Zemo and slowly put a response together. “So, um, you agrod Barnes so the Captain would help him and they would have reasons to be pissed at him? And this is supposed to have some domino effect or something?” Ross questioned.

    “They call their Captain rogue simply for going against your reasoning. How long until the next says no once and gets their life taken? How long until they divide and fight one another, create their owns teams, trying to prove their side? How long until there is no clear team? And they destroy each other?”

    Ross raised an eyebrow to the man. “So what you’re saying is-”

    “Civil war!” Zemo exclaimed suddenly. He was laughing and crying now. “I lost my family and home. I need something to make me smile now. Watching them try to kill each other? They really are mindless animals that don’t care about the people at all. And I didn’t see any of them at the funeral for the thousands that Sokovia lost!”

    Tony felt the urge to punch something. Natasha squeezed his shoulder harder. “Tony-”

    “Dammit Nat! This guy-” Tony relaxed his fists, took a very deep breath, and turned away from the glass. He could hear the crazed man’s crying get quieter as his distance grew further from the interrogation chamber. Natasha ran up next to him. “This guy lost his whole family and we had no idea. Now he’s made Cap the bad guy and he’s right. I tried to kill Barnes and told myself I was gonna kill Cap when I found him. I almost killed two innocent people Nat!”

    “Tony, it’s not entirely wrong. Barnes has committed crimes in the past and Steve helping him escape is highly frowned upon.”

    “You know what Cap tried tellin’ me? He’s tellin’ me Barnes had no control over his actions because Hydra blended up his brain. He’s not wrong Nat. The guy Steve knows is innocent.” Tony didn’t want to listen to Steve explain this. He knew it was true, but Zemo was right. He was too stubborn and proud to consider Steve may be right. He was pissed at him just because he chose not to sign the accords. “What are we doin’ Nat? That Zemo guy is an asshole but he’s right.”

    “Not about everything. Barnes did attack us and Steve assisted him.”

    “You heard what he said. He said some kind of verbal activation and made Barnes attack us and we had to hit him back. What’s he supposed to do? He can’t fight that Hydra shit.”

    “You’re siding with Rogers and Barnes now?” Nat let go so they could walk up the narrow stairway. “This is unlike you Tony.”

    Tony sighed, “I’m too proud and stubborn, Nat. I’m a person that can’t control his killing,” he said wearily.

    “Tony, there will always be casualties. Steve’s right on that.”

    “So you’re on his side about something too?” Tony moved faster up the stairs and nearly ran into T’Challa. He used his arms to defend himself and nearly pushed Tony back down the steps. “Your Highness I am so sorry.”

    “I must apologize to you as well Stark,” T’Challa replied calmly. “I was on my way to see the prisoner. Have you and Romanoff just returned from there?”

    “Yes. And boy has he started opening up.” Tony pushed past the prince towards his office. Nat rushed to catch up and now T’Challa was following them.

    “I must know what he has said,” T’Challa pleaded.

    Tony stopped and sat down on the bench in the middle of the hall. Natasha sat down and had her hand on his shoulder again. “You wanna know Your Highness? Zemo’s trying to turn us Avengers against each other. He said some words to Barnes that practically turned him robot and made him fight us and leave. And of course Cap went after him. None of them did anything wrong. He’s just so damn clever he knows how to set us all off. He’s showing us that we really are just a bunch of wild animals.”

    “Zemo wants to start a civil war between us,” Natasha clarified. Her hand suddenly went up to her earpiece. “Yes Ross go ahead.”

    T’Challa pondered on her and Tony’s words. “He is awakening you guys to each other's fears and weaknesses. He is trying to make you see the darkness in each other and expanding it so that your friends appear to disappear.”

    Tony had to marvel at T'Challa's word for a moment. The King was right.

    “My God,” Nat said to herself. Tony and T’Challa looked at her. “Yes sir, he’s right here.”

     She looked to the king. “Your Highness, Barnes didn’t kill your father.”

    The prince’s expression dropped suddenly. “How so? He was there. The cameras showed him.”

    “Ross just told me Zemo is confessing. He claimed he put on a wig and makeup to appear to look like Barnes. He set the bomb. He wanted the cameras to see him so we would try to kill Barnes.” Her hand went back to her earpiece and after a minute she said quietly, “He did not mean to kill King T’Chaka, but apparently it ‘worked ever so in his favor.’”

    T’Challa’s face dropped and he looked towards the ground. Natasha apologized and she and Tony wondered if he even heard her. After a few minutes he looked up and walked towards the window close by. He stood with his hands behind his back and just stared outside. Tony stood up and walked next to him, joining him in staring outside with his hands also behind his back. “Your Highness, we are all truly sorry you had to find this out. But it’s just like the rest of us. We all are blaming Barnes and now everything for this mess. I’m glad to find out it’s actually this one German guy.” Tony shut up as he saw T’Challa was focusing elsewhere.

    As Natasha walked up to join them at the window, T’Challa finally said calmly, “Pride and vengeance consumed me. I tried to murder one before he could be proven innocent. And now the real murderer has gladly admitted his guilt. My father would be truly ashamed of me for my behavior, and I have dishonored my family and my people.”

    “Your Highness, really, we all believed it was Barnes. We are all guilty of this. You’re not alone,” Natasha said. She put her hands behind her back and took her place on the other side of the prince.

    “She’s right, Your Highness. We were all played and we all gave in. We all are to blame.”

    “I need to ponder my actions and correct my emotions,” T’Challa said suddenly. He was trying to be calm but he seemed to be failing now. He left Tony and Nat alone at the window and went to his own private quarters.

    As he walked off he passed Sam, who gave a slight bow, only to be waved off. “What’s up with him?” Sam asked walking to join the other two at the window.

    “Zemo just admitted he killed his father and dressed up as Barnes to throw us off.” Tony answered.

    Sam stood silent staring at Tony unbelievingly. He finally said, “Holy Shit.”

    “Yep.”

    “Holy shit,” Sam said again.

    “Yes we are all shocked,” Tony said without looking at Sam.

    “Aw shit Cap’s gonna be pissed.”

    “He already is.”

    “No, Barnes threw him down the elevator shaft after that dude set him off and I- Shit!”

    “Sam, Tony has actually been saying something I can agree with,” Nat said. “We are all to blame for blaming the wrong guy and we were all too proud and stubborn to listen to the truth.”

    Tony raised an eyebrow. "You're agreeing with me?"

    Sam continued, “But I told him to stay down there and that he’s not on the team anymore. I told him he was an enemy now.”

    “Damn Wilson,” Tony looked over and saw the guilt in his eyes.

    “Dude, Cap is really gonna hate me for life now.”

    “Well, you know what? We all nearly killed him and his friend and sent the both of them on the run for their lives. You’re not alone.”

    Sam sighed and accepted that fact. “So, do we have any new leads on Cap and Barnes?”

    “Nada,” Nat replied.

    “If we were to ever find them, they’re certainly not gonna surrender freely and they’re probably not gonna even listen to us,” Tony said. “Even if we say we believe both of them are innocent, they’re gonna keep running. Even if they do come easily, is Cap ever gonna trust us again? Is Barnes ever gonna trust us? Also, Cap kinda said he was gonna retire because of the accords. We find the two of them, will they even come back?”

    “Tony’s right,” Nat said. “Even if we find them and tell them we believe them, they’re gonna forever hold a grudge against us. Even if we tell them they’re off the hook, they’re probably not coming back. We know Steve’s never signing those accords, so why would he even want to be near us? Why would he want to get with the affairs of the Avengers?”

    “Does it matter then?” Sam asked. “He and Barnes are gone and probably livin’ their own lives now as different people. Steve ain’t comin’ back. He and Barnes are probably never gonna show their faces again.”

    "I just hope they're all right," Nat said with her head towards the ground.

    "Well, they got each other, and they're really close. Like they've been with each other all their lives before the war. And Steve even said he's-" _Shit._

"He's what?" Sam questioned.

     _I promised Steve I'd never tell dammit._ "They're just like, really good friends and, uh, Steve said he'd do anything to save Bucky from Hydra and, yea." _Do I sound nervous? I think Tasha's reading me._

    "Tony what's wrong?" Nat asked.

    "I'm just saying Steve was way too determined to save the guy and he sounded convincing saying he was never gonna give up on him." _Was that a convincing save?_

"I'm gonna be honest I'm pretty sure Cap's gay and in love with Barnes," Sam blurted out. Tony and Nat gave Sam wide eyes. "Dude he's got a lot of pictures of Barnes and all his best memories contain Barnes-"

    "What do you mean his best memories? Barnes is like in  _every single_  memory he has," Nat added.

    "Proving my point even more. But he also wouldn't stop lookin' for the guy when he found out he was alive. The only break he took was when you all had that Ultron issue."

    _Welp Steve I can honestly say I never told a soul but you have no idea how obvious it really is._

"I wonder if Barnes is the same," Sam finished.

    "I hope he is," Nat added. "Steve's been annoyed and cranky ever since he got out of the ice and I think he's just lonely and stubborn. And since he completely ignored all the dates I set him up with maybe he just needs a man. Better yet someone he knows. He nearly gave me a PowerPoint presentation on why he would never go on a blind date."

    "I can see him and Barnes being happy together," Tony pitched in.

    "If he could rid Steve of that attitude, I'd let Barnes stay at the base," Nat said.

    "Okay don't know about that one," Sam said.

    "Oh come on. Picture a day when Steve is actually happy and not judging the future like a World War 2 veteran all day long and groaning every time we have a mission." This made Tony laugh because that's exactly how Steve sounded for the past 4 years. "And really, barely know Barnes but I think the two of them would make a cute couple and I just wanna see Steve finally be in love."

    "Too bad we screwed up and they probably want no part of us anymore," Tony said.

    The three of them stood and looked out the window for a while pondering their actions and the situation again. Tony was the first to walk away. Nat started to follow him but he just waved her away and kept walking. She made a loud sigh before slowly walking off in a different direction. He had too many thoughts going through his mind and none of them were happy thoughts. Steve did tell him he was gay a while back and Tony managed to keep it a secret _although it seems everyone else already knows_. But Steve was gone and now believed to be an enemy to and no longer a part of the team. Tony wanted to see his friend happy for once and wouldn't mind seeing that relationship progress, but he and everyone else knew damn well the guys were probably never coming back. If they ever do find them, they're just gonna want to be as far away from Avenger activity as possible. And what is the United Nations gonna do to them? They technically own the Avengers now. They were totally never going to agree with letting the two refugee boyfriends off the hook and onto a happy married life.

    He got to the elevator and pushed the button to go down. Once the elevator opened, he walked in and pressed the button to the lobby. He was ready to just go home. He was done in Vienna and done waiting for developments. He had a while in the elevator, so he clenched his hand into a fist and punched the wall as hard as he could. He heard several snaps and knew several of his fingers were broken, but he didn’t care. As he was nurturing his fist the elevator stopped and General Thaddeus Ross stepped in.

    “Where you going Stark?” he asked suspiciously.

    “Home,” Tony answered firmly and clearly with his signature Stark attitude.

    “Mr. Stark you have not been authorised to leave yet.”

    “Sorry sir but I’ve hit my drama limit for several months.”

    “Mr. Stark we need you here until we apprehend Rogers and Barnes.”

    “Apprehend? Sir, you heard the confession from Zemo right?”

    “Yes, but that does not make them innocent. They need to answer to their crimes.”

    “Typical.”

    “Mr. Stark do not leave this building.”

    “I’m leaving. Call security if you don’t like it.”

    The elevator opened to the lobby and Tony started speed walking for the door.

    “Stark, you signed the accords. You leave, we can arrest you!”

    “Arrest me then.” Tony kept walking.

    “Stark?! You agreed to this! Do not leave this building!”

    Tony turned around and looked Ross in the eye. He lifted his non-broken fist and slowly lifted the middle finger. After receiving a satisfying face from the general he turned back around and walked outside to his bright red rental car in the front parking lot and quickly took off to the airport. As soon as he arrived he got in his private jet and started barking orders, “F.R.I.D.A.Y., get me back to the tower right now. And then I need a bandage and some painkillers and a quick x-ray scan.”

    Tony found out he had broken every finger and fractured a few of his hand bones. He let F.R.I.D.A.Y. take control of the plane. He decided that once he got back to New York he was going to go to his tower and start a better hunt for his friend. He wanted to find Steve and Bucky before Ross did. He also felt the sudden need to admit how wrong he was, which was rare.  _I_ _am sometimes wrong and sometimes an asshole._ Ok there's the start to my apology speech to Steve when I find him."


	7. So Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what else to call this chapter so there's the best of my titling skills you'll seriously get the name halfway through. This one is not toooo painful... welp here yall go enjoy!

**_2 DAYS LATER (STEVE)_ **

**** Steve slowly opened his eyes and yawned. He quickly found he couldn’t move, but enjoyed the reason why. Bucky had fallen asleep curled up to him on the couch again. His head lay burrowed in the crook of Steve’s neck and his metal arm clutched Steve’s shirt over his heart. Steve brought his hand up and layed it over Bucky’s hand and closed his eyes again. Bucky was still out cold judging by his slow and soft breath on Steve’s neck, so Steve decided to let him sleep. Bucky had barely slept any in the past couple of days. Steve has been talking to him much more personally and Bucky has opened up a bit more. He has started talking more about what he for sure remembers, both as Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier. Steve feels pure hatred and anger consuming him as Bucky tells him what he remembers as the Soldier, but seeing Bucky break down and cry brings him down as well. Bucky claims being able to talk and even cry about this helps him. But Steve can’t help but worrying about him, especially with how often he wakes up screaming every time they try to sleep. Steve prayed that this morning would be easier. 

Unfortunately, this morning would be no easier. Steve was halfway dozed off when Bucky’s grip on his shirt got tighter and his breathing started to rush. Steve snapped out of his daze immediately and got ready. He found it was best to let Bucky ride out his dream and be prepared when he woke up. 

Bucky cried out in pain and Steve wrapped his arms around him tightly. He kicked against Steve’s grasp but Steve held him tightly and refused to let him go. Bucky screamed out in pain again and jerked once, then all was silent except his panicked breathing. 

“Steve?!” It was a frightened plea. A helpless call for help. 

Steve released him only for a second to sit the both of them up and grabbed hold of Bucky tightly once again. Bucky broke from Steve’ grip and spun around and raised his metal arm in defense. Steve held his ground and waited for a blow, but Bucky realised he was awake pretty quickly.

“Steve?”

“Yes, I am Steve.” Steve went on with his typical procedure of reassuring where Bucky was. “Your name is James Buchanan Barnes, but you are my best friend Bucky. You’re here with me in Constanta, Romania, because we are hiding from the government. We are laying on the couch in our apartment. I am here with you Bucky. It’s only the two of us. Always with each other till the end of the line. Right Bucky?” 

Bucky’s glare started to calm and he slowly lowered his arm. Steve saw the first tear and held out his arms, which Bucky quickly flung himself into. He began bawling his eyes into Steve’s chest.

“Steve?!”

“I’m here Bucky.”

“Steve.”

“Yes, Bucky? What’s wrong?”

“I’m scared. I almost hurt you.”

“I’m fine Bucky. It’s okay.”

“Steve I’ve almost killed you so many times!” Bucky was nearly screaming now. “How is that ok?!”

“Bucky, you’ve been through so much and you are not fully here, but that’s my mission: To help you. To find you completely.”

“How can you put up with this? I am nothing but a lost cause.” Bucky pulled out of Steve’s embrace and went to get up.

Steve charged after him and pulled him back into his arms and flopped the both of them back onto the couch. “Bucky you’re not a lost cause but you’re not just my friend. You are so much more than that. You’re my entire life and my entire world. And I don’t care what you’ve done or who you think you are now. You are my friend. My life. My world. My Bucky.” Steve pulled his chin up so they could look into each other’s eyes again. “I will help you. I will stop the world for you. I will find all of you. I will be with you until the very damn end of the line because I need you. Bucky, I say I’m doing this for you, but that’s not the entire truth. The truth is,” Steve searched for words. Bucky kept looking at him with pleading eyes. Steve knew he needed to know his worth. “I’m selfish. I’m doing all of this because I can’t live without you. Because I am nothing without you. Because-.” Steve stopped suddenly out of breath. His mouth instantly went dry, but he managed to finally say the one thing he’s been wanting to say forever now. “I love you.”

Bucky’s expression changed instantly, but Steve wasn’t quite sure what it was. Was he happy? Excited? Did he feel the same for Steve? Or is he still unconvinced he is loved? Steve stayed silent to let Bucky and himself think. He has believed it and wanted to tell Bucky, but was nervous to say it. He knew he and Bucky had admitted to not being straight and liking each other, but was scared to know whether Bucky loved him like that.

Bucky closed his eyes and lowered his head. Steve didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t tell if he was being rejected or shut out. Or maybe saying that triggered something Hydra left in him. Steve felt the knot in his throat come back and he felt the tear ducts acting up. He looked away from Bucky for a moment. He was about to speak again when he felt something drip on his hand that was still holding Bucky’s chin. He leaned down a bit and saw Bucky was crying silently. “Bucky?” Steve asked softly.

Bucky let out a small sob and looked up into Steve’s eyes again. Then Steve saw that one thing that makes his day instantly the best. Bucky smiled. He still had tears in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks, but he smiled at Steve that bright smile that only Bucky Barnes could smile. Steve smiled lightly back, hoping this was a good sign.

Bucky chuckled a bit and smiled slightly brighter before saying, “I love you too.”

Steve felt his first tear fall and Bucky smiled even brighter before throwing himself back in Steve’s arms. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky tighter than he ever thought he could and Bucky held on to him just as tight. He laid his head down and cried into Steve’s chest as Steve cried into Bucky’s hair. 

After a few minutes Bucky said quietly, “I’ll stay because I love you too.” 

Steve lifted his head so he could rest his chin on Bucky’s head. “Please Bucky, I need you to stay. I swear I need you. I swear I love you and I will do anything to show it.”

Bucky lifted his head so he could look at Steve again. “I believe you. And I love you Steve. I know I have a reason to live. I just- I guess I just remember so much of the negative things I forgot the one reason I have to live. You said you’d do anything for me, right?”

“Anything you want or need, pal.”

“Can you remind me?” Bucky now sounded like he was pleading instead of just asking a favor. “I remember everything else so clearly except the one thing I want to remember. I get so distracted by the terrible memories, I forget what I still have. But I can’t remember until you say it. I really need you too Steve. Please, just, don’t leave me alone.”

Steve’s heart was aching from hearing Bucky’s inner pain come out. He could never leave him alone, but hearing Bucky’s cry for help only made him more determined. Steve reached both hands up and let them rest on Bucky’s cheeks. “I will make sure you never forget, because I won’t stop reminding you. Ever. I promise. I will always be here and I’m never leaving you. I promise.” He whispered  _ I promise  _ a few more times softly before leaning in and planting his lips on Bucky’s forehead. When he removed them he saw Bucky’s eyes were closed and he still had a small smile. Steve smiled and leaned in again to kiss him on the spot between his closed eyes, closing his own eyes as well. When he pulled away he opened them as Bucky opened his too and they just sat there and stared deeply into each other’s eyes for a few minutes. Steve was biting his bottom lip now. Bucky looked back at him with the distant but faintly present innocent look of the 1930s. Steve’s heart began to race rapidly.  _ He’s still my Bucky. He’s still perfect.  _ He hands fell from Bucky’s cheeks to his shoulders, then to his chest. Without taking his eyes away from Bucky’s, he grabbed two small wads of Bucky’s t-shirt at his chest and gently pulled him closer. Bucky leaned forward with Steve’s beckoning and tilted his head slightly while letting his eyes flutter to a close. Their lips were only inches away now and Steve could feel Bucky’s breath over his arms and onto his own chest. He let his eyes close, parted his lips, and tilted his head slightly as he pulled Bucky closer to him...

_ CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP _

Bucky nearly flew off the couch and Steve nearly fell after him. They were brought back into reality when they heard a loud high-pitched bird chirping come from the small side-table next to the couch.  _ The iPod text tone.  _ Steve and Bucky took deep breaths to calm their scare. Steve sighed.  _ So damn close why Scott?!  _ Steve released Bucky so he could lean back and unplug the iPod Touch from its charger. When he got back with the iPod he saw Bucky looking down at the couch. He also sighed in annoyance and slowly looked up at Steve, his cheeks brightly flushed. Steve saw this and thought about their previous moment again and felt his face heat up as well so he trained his look towards the iPod but didn’t read the text. Bucky brought his knees into his chest and looked at the seat of the couch. Steve opened the iPod but couldn’t read the text due to not being able to stop staring at Bucky’s lips.  _ I was about to kiss him. And the moment’s ruined now. _

“Is it Scott?” Bucky broke the silence finally. 

“Yeah,” Steve answered.

Bucky started to shift over to Steve’s side as Steve opened the messaging app. Steve realised Bucky was very startled by the text tone and he was now shaking. “You alright?” Steve asked.

“The bird just made me jump a bit,” he answered. 

“I’ll turn the volume down,” Steve said. He did just that. After several more awkward moments he laid back and relaxed on the couch and let Bucky find his place between his body and the back of the couch. Bucky slid his one hand under Steve’s head and neck and let his metal arm rest on Steve’s stomach and chest, his hand finding Steve’s heart. Steve had his arms around Bucky but lifted the iPod above the both of them. Bucky laid his head in the crook of Steve’s neck but turned so he could look at the screen. Steve realised the moment was definitely missed now. Bucky didn’t hesitate to cuddle with him and the way he was now made it impossible to reach his lips comfortably.  _ It was perfect. There couldn’t have been a better start to that. Dammit Scott. Next time, Bucky. Next time. _

Steve snapped back to reality and finally tapped the message from Paul R. 

**_Hey dude im finally omw home. I gotta 3hr plane trip + checkin in & gettin outta the airport & that crap. Since ur place is on the way home I was wonderin if ur cool with me droppin by & sayin hi to u & Seb. I also got u guys some souvenirs. U 2 gonna b home n say 5 hrs?-Paul R._ **

Steve and Bucky remembered Scott telling them about coding their messages to avoid sounding suspicious to whoever may see it and Scott also said he could be by every 15 days to get them more money or things they may have asked for. 

“Alright so Scotty’s gonna be here in five hours,” Steve commented.

“Did he call me Seb?” Bucky asked chuckling.

“Well, he is Paul, I’m Chris, so, yeah, you must be Seb.”

“Sounds like a dumb name. Has to be short for something.”

“Sebastian?”

“Probably. I like that though. Sebastian. That’s a cool name.”

“I get Chris and you get the handsome name of Sebastian?” This got a chuckle from Bucky. “Really, where did he think of these? And Paul?”

“You’re jealous. I have a cooler fake name.”

“Yeah you enjoy your name. Now, how do we reply without sounding suspicious?”

For a few minutes Steve and Bucky conversed with Scott and laughed and giggled with each other as they somehow had a lot of fun talking as fake characters. 

**_Yea we home. Its monday night how bout u stay & we all have some pizza or somethin we bored.-Chris E._ **

**_Might as well. Im gettin back ona plane again 2morro night & probs gonna be gone at least 2 weeks again. Im really gettin tired of these business trips-Paul R._ **

**_Another 1? Dude that aint cool sorry. Yea come hang out w/ me & Seb Chris E._ **

**_U mentioned pizza… Im feelin very generous and im gettin a pretty good raise from these busi trips. Imma stop by a good place and get us some good pizza-Paul R._ **

**_& no u 2 aint helpin me pay-Paul R._ **

**_U said u gettin a good raise me & Seb got college loans n shit i wasnt gonna suggest helpin sorry bro-Chris E._ **

**_Wow harsh but kk. Turnin off device now text u when plane lands- Paul R._ **

**_Kk cya have fun flyin- Chris E._ **

“Think he’s really gonna bring a pizza?” Steve asked as Bucky reached up and put the iPod back on the side table

“That would be wonderful. I haven’t had pizza in over 70 years,” Bucky replied sort of sadly. 

Steve was shocked, not at the pizza deprivation but of a sudden realisation. “Bucky, before moving to Romania with me, when was the last time you had a decent filling and actually good meal?”

Bucky’s silence as he laid his hand back down on Steve’s chest told Steve the obvious answer. “Remember the chicken we had the night of the Stark expo? Before I was shipped off and you went and signed up for the army? Well…”

“Damn, Buck,” Steve wanted to hurt Hydra even more.

“I really wouldn’t mind a pizza,” Bucky said sounding more hopeful now. “But really Steve, every meal we’ve made here has been the best I’ve ever had in 70 years. Almost like back in Brooklyn in the past.”

“You remember that?” Steve asked.

“I remember a lot. It’s all bits and pieces but I can figure most of those pieces out. Didn’t we accidently make bread explode once?”

Steve laughed. “Oh yes we did. I still have no idea how we screwed that up. It still tasted good though.”

“Oh right.” Bucky nestled his head back in Steve’s neck. 

“Well I hope he actually brings one. If not we can pick up something from a restaurant close by,” Steve said as his hand found Bucky’s hair.

“That’d be cool,” Bucky said, relaxing more into the couch and Steve. 

_ Did he just agree to go on another date with me? Out of the house?  _ They would have to be cautious with keeping their heads down and not using each other’s names, but Steve would gladly take Bucky out for other food. He also thought about what Scott said during their drive about Constanta being a great place to stare out into the sea.  _ Bringing Bucky on a romantic sightseeing date? Why not? _

The both of them laid there for a bit. They have been sleeping a lot lately, but their sleep has been interrupted by nightmares often, so in reality they have barely slept any in two weeks at all. But Steve did not care at all. Now since he and Bucky were more open they’ve been cuddling every time and Steve absolutely loved cuddling Bucky. He loved feeling Bucky’s arms around him, feeling his hand on his heart, feeling his gentle breathing against his neck, all while Steve had his arms wrapped tightly around him, letting his hand run through his long hair, letting his head lay on top of Bucky’s. He also loved those moments when he’s wide awake, unable to sleep, Bucky out cold curled up to him suddenly subconsciously nestles his head further into Steve’s neck or head and his grip on Steve’s shirt clutched tighter. Steve honestly could not be any more at home right now. He still wished he had kissed Bucky. He wanted to so badly. He longed for Bucky’s lips.  _ Soon.  _

Steve suddenly remembered the promise he made Bucky earlier and said quickly before Bucky could pass out, “I love you Bucky. I’ve got you and I will not let you go. I’m here with you always.”

Steve was about to close his eyes when he suddenly felt Bucky’s lips press gently against his neck. “I love you too Steve. Thank you. I love you.”

Steve felt a blush rising as Bucky nestled into his neck again but he didn’t care. He realised now why Bucky enjoyed his kisses so much. It felt so soft and sweet. Comforting and relaxing. Loving. Steve smiled, rested his head against Bucky’s, closed his eyes and dozed off.


	8. Every Villain Is A Hero In Their Own Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to use the villain quote by Tom Hiddleston as the chapter title because it fits this chapter very well. I'm sorry, this chapter may be difficult. I tend to usually show some sympathy to the bad guys of the story. Just read the chapter and I'm sorry if I cause tears (Not fully sorry but a little bit).

**_386 DAYS AGO (ZEMO) (MAY 1ST 2015)_ **

**** He saw them standing in the distance. The world blurred around him. She waved, and he waved back. His boy jumped up and down, and he smiled and waved even harder. His father tipped his hat, and he did the same. He wanted to run to them. He attempted to run, but his legs were frozen. He started to panic. He flailed his arms towards his wife, son, and father, but they kept smiling and waving. They wanted him to return to them, but why couldn’t they see he was stuck?

A brilliant red laser impacted the ground next to him. He turned and saw the blast, and that’s when the blurry world started to focus. It was all ruins. Crumbled buildings, shredded roads, and bodies. Bodies everywhere. Bloodied and broken, lifeless. More laser blasts. He looked up in the sky and saw the robots swarming the city in front of him. The damage they were causing. He looked back to his family, but they weren’t there. 

He found his voice and began screaming their names as loud as he could. His legs still refused to work. He watched as the robots destroyed everything. He saw a robot that stood out fighting back. A giant green beast flung through the air and broke several more robots down. Lightning streaked across the cloudless air and brought several more robots down. 

He heard screams. He knew them clearly. They belonged to his family. A building was impaled by the green monster and it was knocked off its foundation. As the structure fell forward, the figures, his family, reappeared where he last saw them. The three of them waved one last time and they each mouthed something silently, but he could tell what they were trying to say. 

__ _ Goodbye _

__ “NO!” he screamed in terror as the building crashed directly on top of them. A large cloud of dust billowed up and consumed the building. 

His voice surprised him, and so did his legs. He was running full speed into the cloud of dust before the building debris could even settle and he didn’t stop.

He entered the dust cloud blind but somehow his legs knew what was happening. He leaped over the first block of metal in front of him and quickly regained his balance to keep running forward. He leaped and landed on a building chunk and followed this peace up a ways. He jumped off at the end and landed on a broken metal beam. He followed this beam to another chuck of building and ran along this piece until it ran out and he found himself falling back to the ground again. He landed on his feet and took off running immediately again. He couldn’t stop. He knew what he was going to find, but he kept going

He slowed down after jumping up on another piece of building. He walked to the edge of the platform and looked down. He stopped and stared. He felt the tears streaming down his face and the burning in his throat told him he was screaming their names, but all had gone silent and he was left with a terrible deafening ringing in his ears. His knees failed and he collapsed onto his knees, his hands rushing up to clear the blinding tears from his eyes. His vision was blurred by tears and confusion, but he saw they were dead.

He leaned forward and let his body fall off the platform. He landed hard right next to his father. His back was sore and his head throbbing even worse now, but he could still move. He got back up on his knees but couldn’t find the strength to get on his feet. They lay bloodied and broken on the ground huddled together. His wife held their son tightly in her arms despite now being lifeless, his son cradled in her arms. His father lay on his stomach but his arm was draped around his wife and child. They were so broken, crushed, covered in blood and debris and dust, their bodies limp and twisted into impossible ways. 

Still on his knees, he brought his hands on the ground and clenched his eyes shut. His hands brushed over the lifeless body of his father. He was still screaming their names but all he could hear was the terrible ringing. He ran his hand along his father’s back and his hand ran down his arm and found his wife’s neck. He crawled closer to her so he could feel her hair again. Without opening his eyes he left her hair to find his son's hand. The tiny hand didn’t move and didn’t clench onto him like it always had. He clenched the hand again and gently squeezed for a moment. He spread his arms and brought the three bodies into his embrace one last time. They were limp and cold, covered in blood and dirt, but he didn’t care. One last chance to hold them.

He opened his eyes and looked in the air above him. Through the tears and dust and bright light, he saw the people that stood on the broken building above him. The people that say they save and protect this world. The people that said they could save people. The ones he would hate for hours upon hours of every day until he broke them. He would break them. He would break them from the inside. He would watch them rip each other apart. 

_ If only I had won. If only… This plan was flawless. But I failed. I failed you my loves. I’m sorry. I wish I could see you again… _

“Rise and shine!”

**_PRESENT DAY_ **

The ground came upon him fast. His forehead hit the hard and his right hand banged the side of the metal bead. He flipped over and clenched his hand as he opened his eyes. He saw the white ceiling. He felt the ragged fabric coating him. He heard the laughter of the guards.

_ Just my nightmare. You are really gone. I really am stuck in this Hell. How I wish I could join you guys. I want to see you again… _

“Wow, didn’t think I could startle you like that.” He looked up and saw Everett Ross, the man that loved to torture him. He smiled and crouched down on his knees on the other side of the metal bars. “So, whatcha dreamin’ about pal?”

Zemo stayed on the ground holding his fist that he banged on the bed. “Why should it concern you?” He stared at the ceiling with the blankest expression he could give. He was almost out of emotion. He had lost his family over a year ago and now he was forever locked in the United Nations maximum security facility in Vienna. He had failed at taking down the Avengers and avenging his family. What was left to care about?

“Well, you see, it’s a safety procedure-”

“Shut up!” Zemo lashed out. Ross took a step backwards from the cell and fell backwards. “It does not concern you!” Zemo said bitterly as he got off the ground and threw himself back onto the bed.

Ross got up and backed further away from the cell. “I- um, uh- I’m actually being serious. We don’t just lock up people. We try to help them find better versions of themselves and, in some cases, return to reality.” Ross smoothed out his suit and Zemo could tell he was trying to find the best words to use. After a few minutes he finally said in a calmer voice, “We just want to help you. You did try to start a civil war between the Avengers and set off a bomb as a start. But now, it seems like you've had severe depression this whole time. You haven’t eaten a meal in almost a week and you just stare at the wall or floor or ceiling all day with no complaint. These are signs that you are falling down a bit more than you seem. We want to help you find yourself and perhaps start a better life. So please, what is it that makes you scream in your sleep?”

_ So my screams are heard? And do you watch me sleep? What is wrong with you people? _

“Do you know how many times I’ve had to go through this? How many times I have to go through that day?” Zemo said softly.

Ross walked back up to the bars and leaned against them. “There a certain memory that you have haunting you?”

Zemo stared at the ceiling. He didn’t want anyone else to know, but he saw that there was not really any reason to hide it.  _ What have I got to lose now? There is nothing left for me.  _ “Sokovia. Last year. The Avengers fought the Ultrons in Sokovia. They tried to save everyone. But they couldn’t save my family.” He took a breath as Ross listened, and actually listened to him talk. He continued, “They were killed in the battle. I did not see them die, but I see it in my dreams.” His voice cracked as he finished and he felt his eyes sting from tears forming.  He fought them back and went on, “I see them crushed by building, ripped apart by robots, or thrown off the floating city. I see them die every time I try to rest, and it's different every time. But it was spot on this time.” 

Ross let out a breath. It was not of annoyance or boredness. It actually seemed a sorrowful breath. Like the man actually had emotion. “So, they didn’t survive Sokovia. You feel that you couldn’t save them and the Avengers couldn’t save them. That’s why you tried to destroy them. You were really doing it for your family?” 

Zemo could not speak as the tears were falling down his temples and he knew he would only manage a high pitched whine. Ross seemed to notice as he quickly covered his eyes with his hands and a muffled sob could be heard. He had a guard get him a chair and another unlock the cell. As he brought the chair in and set it a few feet from Zemo and his bed, the man started sobbing somewhat loudly. After the guard locked the cell again, Ross told him and the others to scram. He wanted to speak to Zemo alone. And he didn’t say “the prisoner” or another title. He used his name, which was noticeable to his prisoner. He got comfortable in his chair as Zemo attempted to calm himself down. As Zemo regulated his breathing, he leaned back in the chair and stated calmly, “I just want to talk to you. I’m not really fishing for certified or classified information or something the UN is gonna lose their shit over. I’m just here to talk. I don’t care if you only brush over details or go in depth on something that may not seem like much. I’m letting you talk your mind as a human and I am here to listen as a human. Now, if you want someone other than me, tell me now because I am not number 1 in providing therapy to people in distress. But I’ll try my best.”

Zemo laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. The tears had mostly dried on the sides of his head now, but his eyes and throat still burned. He didn’t want to talk because he still hated the world and their locking him up and protection of the Avengers. He didn’t want to talk because he didn’t want to talk about them. About seeing them dead. About his dreams. He was afraid he would start and never stop. He was afraid he would start crying and hyperventilate and pass out. 

_ Why do I fear this? I have lost it all and only gained failure. And the dreams are brutally murdering my sanity. Talking won’t really hurt at all. Maybe I can sleep again… _

“You will do. Just please don’t ask too personal questions of me.”

“That’s fine. If you want to rant and have me shut my mouth, I can do that too. Really, I realise we have all kind been a bunch of a-holes to you. So I’m trying to be a bit nicer and remind you that you are still human and we are too. Speak your mind, or let me ask a few questions.”

_ Why are you being so nice, first of all. _

“Ask me something first. I- I don’t know where to start.”

“Okay. One thing I wanna know is how big your family was.”

Zemo took a breath. He knew he was going to see their images while describing them, but he was suddenly really ready to talk out his mind. “All I had before that day was my wife, my child, and my father. I met my wife in Sokovia and moved there to be with her. My mother had passed at a young age and my father was still deeply affected by it, so I brought him with me. We stayed under the same roof, the three of us and eventually four. My life really could not have been any better.” He paused because he knew he was about to start ranting about that day.

“That can’t be all you remember,” Ross cut in. “Let’s forget about Sokovia for a bit. Tell me about them. Your family. Tell me the details of these three people that made your life special.”

Zemo was about to object until he realised he had forgotten much of his life before that day. He smiled suddenly. “Oh they were my entire world.”

“You loved them and they seemed to love you. They seem like amazing people. So right now I want you to brag about how amazing they were to you.”

And Zemo did just that. He was suddenly off talking about how each looked and everything they liked, what they did in life and what they did with free time. He talked about his favorite memories with each. He talked about their habits and hobbies. He talked about the way they talked. Zemo mentioned everything. And Ross listened to every word. Sometimes he chimed in a comment in between sentences, but they were not cocky remarks, they were actually kind-hearted acknowledgments of something Zemo said. Not only was Ross listening, but he was interacting with him. At some point Zemo actually got off his back and sat on the edge of the bed and looked directly at Ross while he spoke. They were both surprised, but neither cared. They just kept talking. Zemo eventually started unwillingly backtracking and talking about life before he met his wife and moved to Sokovia. He even brought up memories of when he was a small child. Zemo was actually smiling and enjoying talking his mind out to Ross. And as much as he was annoying during interrogation, he was actually a cool man to talk to. 

Two hours passed and a guard came in with another meal. Ross grabbed it through the bars and sat it on Zemo’s bed. “I know your family was amazing and it is certainly not easy losing them. But giving up is not what they would want you to do. Please, eat something. For your wife, your son, and your father.”

Zemo looked at the tray of meat loaf, mashed potatoes, and steamed carrots. It actually looked decent and he realised not eating in a week has really had an effect on him. He looked at Ross with a smirk and said, “My wife could probably make better than this, but I will eat a little bit.”

“Excellent,” Ross said with two thumbs up. “Hey, I need to go and do other things, but I swear to you the info you shared with me just now is between us. They probably recorded us on camera but it’s useless for their purposes so I’ll have this footage deleted. Cool?”

“Yes, please delete this.”

“Alright I will have that done. And, dude, Zemo is a cool name but you have a first name, right?”

“It is Helmut. Thank you for asking Ross.”

“Actually you can call me Everett if you would like but I thought hearing your actual name would mean something to you.”

“It does, actually. You are free to use that name.”

“Anything to help you heal, man. Really, Helmut, just want to help because it’s obvious you’re suffering and need some sort of friend or rant buddy.”

“I thank you Everett.” Zemo nodded his head and reached for the fork as Ross nodded his head and had the guard close the cell behind him. He left and the guards took their places once again. 

He ate the carrots and some potatoes and finished half the meat loaf. It was not as good as his wife’s at all, but it was something decent. He was still questioning Ross’s sudden niceness and therapy session, but he didn’t care about Ross or his intentions or the UN’s intentions at all. He got to talk about the things he wants to remember of his family and got to rant about them. He enjoyed the talk and would love to talk to someone again soon. Even if this somehow turns against him, he could care less now. His head was no longer so heavy. As he laid down on his bed with a book they gave him to read for fun, he thought that maybe when he slept tonight he would dream of a time when he and his wife, son, and father were all happy together and not of their deaths. He knew he was truly blessed when he passed out with the book on his face and the vision of his family at dinner, together, alive, smiling and laughing, plagued his rest all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly there is not a huge benefit for having this chapter in On Our Own. Zemo's confession and attempted suicide at the end of Civil War really got to me and made me tear up a bit (Like I totally wasn't crying already) and I felt I should add more pain to an already torturous story. And I like bringing sympathy to bad guys that weren't completely bad guys. I mean he lost pretty much everyone he had. Starting a Civil War was not the best form of recovery but can you fully blame him? Zemo will return later, he just won't be a very important role. And this chapter will mean something later.


	9. Love, And Pizza, Heals Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Back! Sorry for my unexpected hiatus. College got to me.

**_PRESENT DAY (BUCKY)_ **

“Hey. Buck. Time to wake up.”

He felt Steve shaking him awake, so he groaned, “Five more minutes,” and nestled his head further into Steve’s neck.

“Scott’s gonna be here in about half an hour.”

“25 more minutes.”

Steve huffed and relaxed back into the couch. “I notice you didn’t have any nightmares this time.”

“It feels lovely. 25 more minutes please.”

Steve used his free hand and started petting Bucky’s hair and said playfully, “Come on you can sleep when we cuddle in bed tonight.” 

“Cuddle here until Scott shows up.” Bucky protested fighting a smile.

“Damn, you that tired?”

“25 more minutes.”

Steve sighed again and gave up. He must be wide awake and full of energy, but Bucky didn’t feel like moving so he stayed still. He slept soundly but didn’t quite want to lose that feeling yet. He had a dreamless sleep, deep, dark, full of nothing, but he prefered those because he saw nothing and didn’t wake up loudly to pain or a sudden scare. Bucky clenched his fingers around Steve’s shirt, making Steve finally relax and the room was silent again. Bucky could honestly lay like this forever if given the chance. The couch was not the most comfortable, but being cuddled tightly into Steve’s warm body was the most comforting and relaxing thing he has ever experienced in his life. He felt warm, comfortable, safe, secure, protected, loved, and happy. He smiled as he kept his eyes closed, enjoyed this feeling, and slowly dozed off into a deep sleep once again. 

“Bucky? Hey Buck. C’mon man let’s wake up.” Steve was ruffling his hair roughly.

“Steve, I said 25 more minutes.”

“It’s been 27.” Steve responded. Bucky opened his eyes slowly and saw the light coming through the window was slightly dimmer. “Scott’s gonna be here probably any second now.”

Bucky groaned and stretched his metal arm outwards. He lifted his head slightly off Steve’s neck. Steve laid his palm on the back of Bucky’s head and pulled him close so he could kiss his forehead. Bucky grinned as he felt Steve’s lips touch his head. He felt and heard Steve grin as well and he pulled away. Steve and Bucky both blushed but continued smiling and staring at each other.”Well, thanks for the wake up,” Bucky said softly, making the both of them giggle. 

_ Ding-Dong _

The two men looked up at the door immediately and scrambled to get untangled from each other’s arms and off the couch. Bucky sat back down and grabbed the book that was on the coffee table and opened to a random page and acted like he was reading. He glanced up and saw Steve’s eye roll at him as he went to the door. He was reluctant to get too close to it until he heard Scott’s voice say, “Yo, bros. Pizza’s here.” Steve unbolted and unlocked the door and opened it. Scott didn’t even wait to be let in. He walked right in carrying a small backpack and a bag that resembled a pizza delivery bag. Sure enough, he set it down and unveiled five pizza boxes.

“Wow. You actually brought pizza. And American pizza in that case,” Steve smiled and closed and bolted the door back up.

“Yep. Oh, thanks for offering to help me pay. And why you lockin’ me in? And jeez do you have enough locks there? I feel like I’m being kidnapped or somethin’. Wait, I’m being kidnapped by Captain America? You know dude, I’m cool with this.” Bucky was glad Scott was as loose as he was. With their situation they needed someone more calm and laid back. 

“Well, you know what, you said you got it covered. And why are you judging our safety precautions?” Steve went and sat down on the couch next to Bucky.

“Dude, I can tell this is your first time hiding from the government long-term, but you need to relax just a bit.” Scott went and sat in the chair perpendicular to the couch. Bucky set down the book and leaned forward to see the pizza. “Hey Buck, how you doin’?”

“Uh, alright, I believe. And you?” Bucky replied casually.

“Pretty same.”

Bucky grabbed the first box and studied the logo on the box. “What is Imos?”

Scott looked like he was going to pass out at his question. Steve answered, “American pizza restaurant. A pretty good one in that case. Expensive, but good.”

“Man, I haven’t had pizza in such a long time,” Bucky said as he examined the odd shape of the pizza in the box. It was a circle, but the way this pizza was sliced was weird. They were mostly in squares, the crust was thin, and it looked like someone went a bit overboard with the cheese. It looked and smelled amazing and he felt his mouth watering. Over 70 years without this. Pizza was his favorite back when he and Steve were young. 

“Woah wait. You haven’t had pizza since before the whole Hydra bullshit?” Scott still seemed so surprised. He grabbed his heart and said, “You poor soul.”

“What, exactly, is this? They’re squares.” Bucky tried to pick up a side piece, but the cheese started sliding off. He went to catch it with his hand and the greasy substance slid off his finger. 

“Dude, it’s the ‘Square Beyond Compare!’ And pizza has gone through quite a bit of evolution.” Scott said as he reached for a piece. Steve went in the kitchen and came back with three paper plates and handed one to Bucky and Scott before grabbing a piece for himself.

Bucky finally got a few pieces onto his plate. He picked up one that had crust attached to it and was about to take a bite when he noticed that Steve and Scott were staring at him intensely and smiling wide. “What?”

“Come on, take a bite. We need to see your reaction,” Steve said excitedly.

“This oughtta be good,” Scott said.

Bucky rolled his eyes at the two and bit into the square meat-lovers Imo's pizza. He suddenly froze as soon as he realised just how much flavor this one bite had. The cheese and sausage and that piece of pepperoni with the sauce on this very thin crust…

“My lord his eyes are closed! He’s in Heaven!”

“This is amazing,” Bucky said softly. He swallowed after a few seconds of chewing slowly and opened his eyes. He jumped backwards as he saw Steve and Scott had gotten up and moved right in front of his face to catch his full reaction. “Alright guys, really?”

Scott laughed and jumped back into the chair and started eating his pizza and Steve sat back down on the couch much closer to Bucky. “Pretty good huh? Yeah, the Avengers brought home this stuff not too long after New York and actually videotaped my reaction. It is pretty damn good. I failed at deleting that video though. My face looked terrible.” Steve said before biting into his piece. He scooted closer to Bucky. They were almost shoulder to shoulder now. Bucky looked over and smiled when he made eye contact with Steve. He smiled back, both with their mouths full of pizza. 

Bucky chuckled and looked away. He could feel the blush rising on his face and could tell by Steve’s chuckle that he was blushing too. He looked slightly to his left and saw Scott was chewing slowly and watching them carefully with wide eyes. Steve must have noticed Scott was watching them too. There was no way Scott wasn’t putting the puzzle together now.

Scott swallowed his bite of pizza and cleared his throat. “You two got somethin’ goin’ on? Somethin’ secret?” He did one of those creepy eyebrow raises.

The two friends on the couch just looked at each other.

“Really? You two just smile at each other with cutesy faces while eating all the time? Is that a normal thing for people in the early 1900s?” A small smile was appearing on Scott’s face now. 

_ He can obviously tell. There’s no way he didn’t see all of that and think it was normal. _

“Come on, tell me you two are a thing! Please?!” Scott said excitedly.

Bucky looked over to Steve. They had both admitted they were somewhat, kinda gay for each other three days ago, after only two weeks of being alone together, and had made many advancements, including sleeping together and giving kisses and holding hands and crying out their feelings to each other. Every meal they have had has pretty much been them going on a date. But they never really talked about their actual relationship in detail yet.

“Uh, well,” Bucky held out the word hoping Steve would finish.

“I’m waiting,” Scott said.

“Yes, Bucky and I are a thing now,” Steve said suddenly.

Scott threw his empty plate down on the coffee table and threw his hands into the air. “I knew it!” He got up and threw his arms tightly around the two sudden boyfriends on the couch, crushing them both together.  “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you two!”

“You’re- proud of us?” Bucky grunted. Scott was a lot stronger than he looked. 

“Yup.” He gave each a pat on the back and then sat back down and grabbed another slice of pizza. “I mean, I know you guys were like friends all your lives in the early days and that such. But I could also tell first getting you guys that you were kinda close. And yeah I was totally listening to your guys’ conversation in that warehouse.”

“So you were spying on us,” Steve said.

“Yep. I was hoping time alone in another country would help you two would figure out you’re already together you just didn’t know yet,” Scott said before taking a large bite of pizza. “But that moment you two had in the warehouse, it was pretty obvious you two are totally gay for eachother.”

There was an awkward silence in which Scott filed with taking another large bite of pizza quite obnoxiously.

“We haven’t really talked much about it,” Steve said.

After chewing a few seconds, Scott replied, “Yeah, your reactions to me asking about it really gave that fact away.” 

“But we have brought it up,” Steve added.

“So, you two have, as the 2016 phrase goes, ‘come out of the closet’?”

Bucky stared in confusion as this was the first time he’s heard the phrase. Steve answered for them both, “Yes.”

“Awesome,” Scott said after taking another bite.

“Scott, you’re taking this very calmly. You’re, uh, alright with it?” Bucky asked nervously. 

“Yeah I’m cool with it. I was secretly shipping you guys when I saw you two that day.” 

“Shipping? Wha-”

“It means wanting two people to be a thing. I really shipped you guys and looks like it worked. Bucky you’ve seemed nervous about it.”

“I just wasn’t sure if you agreed with the, uh-”

“Yeah no I’m perfectly fine with it.”

Steve finished his third slice of pizza and said, “Well thanks for being okay with us Scott. Really appreciate it. You may have helped us even.”

“Glad I could help,” Scott said before taking another bite. 

Bucky relaxed more and ate more pizza, which was unbelievably good. Steve loaded up his plate with more pizza and leaned back on the couch. Bucky loaded his plate as well and leaned back against Steve. He heard Scott giggling with a full mouth. Steve must have given him a look because Scott suddenly went silent and answered with a comeback look and said, “What?”

“You’re like a teenage girl watching a crappy teen romance movie,” Steve said. He and Scott must have found this funny, but Bucky did not fully get it. 

“Well I have a daughter that’s almost a tween so I’ve been there before. You two are quite adorable though.” He giggled again when Bucky nestled more into Steve’s chest and Steve laid his chin on Bucky’s head. “You guys are so cute!” Scott exclaimed suddenly, giggling even more.

“Clearly a tween girl with that level,” Steve said, this time earning a chuckle from Bucky.

“Hey when I’m not committing crimes or in prison, I’m hanging out with my little girl and we party hard. She gives me manicures, blings me up in the best cheap jewelry, and we watch disney movies and sometimes teen chick movies that are rated PG-13. But we save those ones for when her mother is away. So really, I’m part time crime lord and part time tween lord.”

Bucky and Steve laughed at this and Scott chuckled lightly at his own comment. Bucky wondered how long he really gets to spend with his daughter if he seems like he always out doing something illegal or paying for his illegal actions. He seemed kind of down when talking about the things they do together. Bucky hoped he would get to see her soon. He was also very relieved that Scott was supporting him and Steve being together because he and Steve may have been at an awkward stage for a long time had they not had someone tell them it was cool. He was still a bit surprised seeing this side of Scott. He admitted he “shipped” the two of them, was proud when they admitted they were a thing, and calls them adorable and cute. Bucky assumed being with his daughter made him develop this soft and girly side. He concluded that Scott was more than fine with him and Steve and was probably going to support them the whole time. He was also glad Steve spoke up and admitted they were together. He was now less nervous and much more relaxed. The present seemed strange but at least not everyone was his enemy.

While they ate, Scott was explaining how his Ant-Man deal made him a target for the Avengers. “Ok, so back when I first started this Ant-Man thing, that dude Sam Wilson invited me to join the group. Me and him didn’t have the best of first meetings, but yeah he found me later and asked if I would consider working with them all. And at that time you were still with them so you as well. A week ago he found me again because he wants me to help find you and Bucky. He apparently knows I can track people well. Don’t panic. I told him I’ll assist when I have my own time. He told me to decided if I’ll help or not. So I’m thinking maybe I can work with the Avengers and the UN and maybe get some inside info while I  _ pretend  _ to hunt for you guys. That sounds alright, right?”

Bucky looked at Steve hoping he would have an answer, but he looked back with the same unsure look. Bucky thought that this would be great because Scott could keep them informed about what is happening with the other Avengers and what the UN is doing with them. He also knew they could somehow figure out that he knows where he and Steve were. He knew they would not hesitate to take him away from Steve and punish the both of them. He could handle the pain and torture because he knew it well. But Steve? What would they do to him? And the thought of being separated from Steve in the first place was what made him feel sick. They were back together and alone. Bucky finally was back with Steve and they had each other all to themselves. He didn’t want to be taken from Steve again and didn’t want to put Steve through any more pain. These thoughts were sparking Bucky’s anxiety and he didn’t realise he was breathing faster again.

Steve set his pizza down on the couch next to him so he could have a hand holding a slice while his other arm wrapped around Bucky’s chest, his hand on his heart, and pulled him closer to his chest. Steve has gotten better at knowing when Bucky was overworking his mind. Bucky silently thanked him and tried to push the thoughts away and focus on breathing. Steve started giving Scott his advice, “I would love you being able to know what’s happening with the Avengers, but you gotta watch out and have a strong mind. Anyone can manipulate you and make you confess anything.”

“Alright so do it?”

“Make them agree to your terms.”

“So, ‘you guys call me if you need me’? Or ‘I’ll do anything for a price’?”

“Both.”

“This oughta be fun.”

Bucky decided he was done with his pizza. Even though it was actually quite amazing he couldn’t eat any more so he set his plate down and leaned his head further back into Steve’s chest. Steve was still eating but his free arm tightened around Bucky’s chest, making him smile a bit brighter. Bucky heard muffled laughing and saw Scott was attempting to shield his laughter, quite poorly. 

“So Scott,” Steve said with a bit of a raised voice. “Take the offer, keep us informed about what’s going on, but please be careful.”

“Sure thing Cap,” Scott replied while trying to hide his huge smile.

“And seriously, go hang out with your girl more.”

Scott paused for a moment. He finally smiled and said “I’ll try to.”

“Make that a bribe from the UN.”

“If they want me to be an Avenger they gotta let me see Cassie more. Yeah, that works.”

Bucky perked up suddenly. “Wait, will they make you sign the accords?”

Scott’s eyes widened suddenly and his eyebrows rose nearly a mile. “Oh they ain’t takin’ my suit.”

Steve froze immediately. “Aw damn,” he sighed. 

“Hold up,” Scott held up a finger. “I’m not an Avenger. I do not want to be a full on Avenger. They can’t make me sign that thing.”

“Dammit. That doesn’t matter. The Accords are for any and every enhanced individual. You’re definitely on that list Scott.” Steve sighed heavily. 

“Hold up,” He held up his finger again. “I’m a crimelord, I hide people and stuff, I can break into whatever I want, and I know how to lie. Plus I have a fake suit.”

“You have a fake suit?” Bucky asked.

“Well, it was a prototype of Hank’s that didn’t work too well. It looks a lot like the suit I use that actually works. It’s perfectly intact and looks like the real thing. I just  _ highly _ recommend no one uses it.” Scott’s emphasis on highly concerned Bucky only slightly.

“It’s still risky Scott.” Steve said

“I’m gonna lay down my rules. If they agree, then I’m gonna sign that paper, give them the fake suit, and just be on call while I do my other stuff outside their eyes and ears.” 

“I’m serious Scott-”

“Dude, I’m Ant Man! I’ll do whatever the Hell I want!” 

Steve sighed and Bucky shrugged still wrapped in his one arm. He barely knew this guy but he seemed like he was talented in what he did. He’s not in prison now and he apparently has an easy way out if he needs it. His confidence was very high, which may or may not be a factor in his capability in what he said he can do. 

Steve sighed again. “Just be careful Scott. Don’t be manipulated by them.”

“Man I know who’s gonna be the mom in this one.” Scott commented. He lost control instantly and burst out laughing at his own joke while Steve and Bucky just stared. “Eh, sorry, too good to pass up,” he said after calming down. 

They put the pizza in the fridge for Steve and Bucky to finish later and talked about random things for the next half an hour. Scott actually brought a DVD player and hooked it up to the TV and brought all of the Star Wars movies and threw in a few extras: The full Indiana Jones series, the Mission Impossible movies, The Matrix movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit, and the Back to the Future trilogy. ‘Scott’s personal favorites’ he had called them. Bucky was actually very excited about the new movies. Steve said that each was a decent movie. Scott eventually said his goodbyes, left extra money for Steve and Bucky, and left so he could make his flight back to the Americas. 

“Scott is definitely a joy. Wish I met him a lot earlier,” Steve said.

“He’s a good friend to trust,” Bucky said lightly. 

Steve could tell what was on his mind. “I told him to be careful and all, but I know he’ll probably handle an undercover mission better than any of us. I’ve seen the files SHIELD had of him before the Ant-Man incident. I’m pretty sure even HYDRA knows he’s a threat. He’ll handle this. And don’t worry. We’re well hidden. Nobody’s finding us.” Steve went to go put the money somewhere hidden in the kitchen.

Bucky wanted to believe all of this. But he knew how much technology has evolved lately. He knows it won’t be that hard. It will just take time. He started breathing heavy.  _ They’ll take Steve away…  _ They’ll punish him for eternity. He can take it. But Steve?  _ They’ll hurt him...  _ He clenched his metal arm into a fist.  _ I’ll lose him forever…  _ He closed his eyes.

He opened his eyes quickly and was about to bolt, but found he was laying on the bed. Steve was sitting on the bed next to him with one hand on Bucky’s forehead and the other clasped around Bucky’s right hand. It was dark except for the one lamp on the side table. His heart was racing and he felt his breathing was very heavy. 

“Bucky, it’s alright. You had a panic attack. You were thinking too much.” Steve’s voice was so gentle and soothing. 

_ Attack? I didn’t even see it coming…  _ He found it very difficult to take in a breathe.

“Bucky, you alright? Breathe,” Steve continued. 

It took Bucky several minutes to control his breathing “Sorry Steve,” he said weakly.

“Bucky don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Steve said. He pulled back the blanket and laid down next to Bucky pulling the blanket over both of them. Bucky felt paralyzed and couldn’t move, but he didn’t want to. Thankfully Steve wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. Bucky relaxed and allowed himself to be absorbed by Steve’s body. He felt warm and enjoyed it. “What’s on your mind Buck?” Steve asked gently.

Bucky hesitated for some time, but eventually said softly, “They’ll find us. Somehow and sometime they’ll find us. I don’t want to lose you Steve.”

“You’re not gonna lose me Buck because I am not losing you.” Steve sat up and lifted Bucky with him and brought him back to his arms. “Scott’s got us covered and really, the entire world is looking for us and they have looked around this country but not in this small and peaceful city. It’s going to be hard for them. And we’ll get away if anyone gets too close.” Bucky could tell Steve was struggling to find a very good reason for him not to worry. He just closed his eyes and nestled into the crook of Steve’s neck. “I’m not giving you up Bucky. You know I’ll fight for you.” Steve loosened his grip so Bucky lifted his head. Steve’s hand clasped the back of his head and pulled him forward so he could kiss him on the forehead.

Bucky looked shyly at Steve but smiled weakly. “I believe you, but I know it won’t last.”

“We’ll make it so.”

“How?!” Bucky raised his voice and started breathing heavy again.

Steve put his hands on his shoulders and said, “Look, I don’t know how. But I’m determined to make it so. I’m not losing you to the government. I’m not losing you to my friends. You are my first priority. Always. I have no clue how, but I’ll make it so.”  

Bucky calmed his breathing with Steve’s assistance. “I’m sorry.”

Steve said nothing and laid back down on the bed, pulling Bucky with him. He wrapped the covers around them both, topping his arms over top of Bucky. He definitely wasn’t letting him go. “You’re tired Bucky. Let’s sleep for the night.”

“I won’t sleep,” Bucky said quickly. He knew having a panic attack and this conversation would bring on the nightmares.

He felt Steve’s lips on the back of his neck. They stayed there for a moment before pulling away and saying, “I’ll be here when you need me.”

“But I’ll wake you up.”

“I’ll be ready.”

Steve rested his chin on the back of Bucky’s head and reached over to turn off the lamp. Bucky snuggled more into Steve’s chest. He felt Steve’s warm hand wrapped around his metal fingers so he clasped his. He knew he would have another nightmare, but Steve said he would be ready. Steve would never lie about that.


	10. New Secret Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bonus chapter because I was gone so long. I'm so sorry, but this one gets very dark...

**_PRESENT DAY (TONY)_ **

As soon as he entered the main room of the building Vision was on him. “Mr. Stark, what have you done to your hand? Were you in combat? Was there another attack? Did you find the Captain?”

“Vision, I don’t need the questions now,” Tony replied wearily. 

“Mr. Stark it appears you are going through a rough time with the-” 

“Vision!” Tony snapped. “I’m done with the UN. That’s all you need to know.”

Vision made a sound that was supposed to be a human sigh. “There are obviously complications between you and the United Nations. How are relations with the Avengers?” he asked cautiously. 

“We get along, but we’re starting to lose it with the UN.”

“Did they find Steve?” came the soft yet heavy Sokovian accent. Wanda was standing in the hallway listening. 

“No,” Tony said after hesitation. “He and Bucky are still gone, we have no leads at all, we’re pretty confident he doesn’t want to be found at all.”

“We’re calling him by his name now?” Vision asked. “I thought you only wanted to say-”

“Don’t say it,” Tony snapped again. He went to the kitchen with Vision and Wanda right behind him clearly wanting more answers. After getting his favorite bottle of alcohol, he sat down at the counter. Wanda sat next to him and Vision sat on his opposite side. “He didn’t set the bomb,” he said after a long silence.

Vision looked down at his hands on the counter while a long gasp emitted from Wanda. “So the Win- Uh, Bucky- didn’t attack the UN building? But I thought the cameras-”

“This Sokovian survivor, his name is something Zemo, wore a wig and makeup to look like Bucky and made sure the camera caught him after setting the bomb.”

Wanda sat silently so Tony could take a swig directly from the bottle. Vision raised a finger and began, “Mr. Stark, perhaps you should use caution-” One glare from Tony said he had reached his limits for the day, so he let the man drink. 

“This guy lost his family in Sokovia and blamed us, he tried using Bucky to start a civil war or something. Somehow this guy knew Steve would flip shit for his friend and his plan actually seemed perfect. I would’ve killed the guy on sight if Zemo didn’t admit he did it. But now Steve and Bucky ran off because I’m sure they’re expecting the world to be after The Winter Soldier. We know Bucky’s innocent now, but how are they gonna know we believe them? And to make things worse, the UN doesn’t want to show him mercy because of the Winter Soldier. They want to kill him on sight despite Zemo’s confession. So basically, Vision, Wanda, the UN is heartless, Bucky’s innocent, Steve chose him over the world, they’re gone in hiding, and so far, they’ve proven extremely good at hiding because it’s been almost a month and we have absolutely no leads.” Tony stopped to catch his breath, but not long enough to take another long swig. 

Wanda sighed. “I kinda figured the UN was heartless. But let us be honest, the Winter Soldier does have a history, so I don’t blame them for wanting him captured. But wanting to kill Bucky on sight because of it?”

“Exactly!” Tony shouted. This drink was already getting to him. The bottle was only a quarter gone.  _ No, uh oh- _

The bottle was already completely empty. 

“Oops,” he said without a true care.

Wanda put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Alright, Tony, I think that’s enough. You should do something about your hand and maybe get some rest.” 

Tony was very reluctant to sleep. His hand no longer hurt anyways, it was just slightly shattered from the elevator wall. He had a new mission to focus on. He suddenly blurted out, “I’m finding Steve and Bucky before Ross does!”

Wanda and Vision stared at him with mouths open. “Mr. Stark, is that very bright-”

“Who cares? I’m gonna have my own search here. You two can help if you promise not to tell. But they’re not letting Steve off the hook when they find him. And even if they do, they’ll hurt Bucky, or kill him. And if  _ he _ dies-” Tony trailed off. He remembered meeting Steve for the first time after that incident in Stuttgart with Loki. He seemed like the mighty hero history made him out to be; strong, determined, and proud. Then after- no, even  _ during-  _ the Loki and Chitauri issue, he noticed Steve’s distant stares, the eye-rolls after even the simplest events, his careless comments, his emotionless actions, his simple tired-and-not-wanting-to-be-present attitude. When the action died down, he got even worse. Tony contributed that all to waking up 70 years in the future and not understanding anything. That guess lasted until after the incident with SHIELD and HYDRA in Washington DC. Tony had missed it all, but when he reunited with Steve and Natasha and met Sam for the first time, he knew something got even worse in Steve. This time it was constantly asking for privacy, avoiding as much social activity as possible, giving up on trying to catch up with modern culture altogether, and rarely sleeping at night and the majority of the day. He never figured it out until Nat and Sam filled him in on the whole Winter Soldier incident. Apparently he refused to sleep because he was always reading his friend’s military and HYDRA project file, looking up possible leads on the internet, and sometimes just watching videos from the past with Bucky or just staring at pictures of him. Steve got so bad they put cameras and other bugs in his room so they could make sure he wasn’t driving himself mad. Tony learned a lot about Bucky this way, the most important thing being how much he meant to Steve. They also discovered Steve was a lot worse than anyone thought and was incredibly good at hiding his severe depression. During the day when he was awake, he seemed fine. He communicated with the other Avengers and did excellent on missions. But at night, he was an entirely different person. There were some days he stole liquor from Tony’s cabinet (Which he has yet to pay back for) and downed everything while looking at the past. Tony wanted to help find Steve’s friend, but Nat and Sam, even a decoded message from a “dead” director Fury advised him that it was probably best not to. Now he wishes he had. A while back he asked Steve what was wrong with him, which may have been a mistake later, but Steve had said he was discovering he was actually bisexual. Tony made the mistake and asked if it had to do with Bucky. This definitely pissed Steve off, but he admitted he was in love with his best friend from childhood, and Tony really couldn’t blame him. That guy was all Steve ever had for the majority of his life. Tony made an even bigger mistake and said something about Bucky no longer being the Bucky Steve knew due to the Winter Soldier stuff. Steve had left the conversation furious and slightly embarrassed, even though Tony said he still saw Steve as his friend and no different.  _ Shouldn’t have brought up Bucky. _ Wherever they are now, Steve is probably happy to have Bucky back, that was saying they were still together. They could have been like that long ago and the UN wouldn’t be able to suspect the Winter Soldier because they would know where Bucky was. He regretted not doing much to prevent this before. Now he has to deal with the United Nations and that asshole Ross longer than he needed to. But the Accords? Steve still wouldn’t sign them even out of depression and with Bucky. That would still ruin everything. Were they destined to lose Captain America no matter how time went? 

“Tony?!” 

Tony snapped back into reality.  _ How long was I lost in thought?  _ The alcohol was really getting to him. He didn’t even check what bottle he grabbed, but it was something he shouldn’t have downed entirely. “Sorry, uh, what?”

Wanda continued calmly, “You were saying something about Bucky, and if he dies, what?”

“If Bucky is lost for sure, I think Steve’s gonna do The Stupid.” He emphasized  _ the  _ and  _ stupid  _ greatly.

Vision and Wanda were confused. “Uh, what? Wanda said. 

Tony knocked the bottle over on the counter and huffed, “If Bucky dies Steve’s killing himself.”

Wanda gasped again. “But, would Steve really go  _ that _ extreme? It is obvious he was going through a rough time after discovering he was alive, but I wouldn’t think-”

“He said he would. He said he’d find Bucky. He said if he found him dead, he was joining him. Said if the government takes him, he’s going too. Said he’d go anywhere with this guy. Said he’d sacrifice everything for him. And he’s done the ‘sacrifice everything’ part when he betrayed us and the UN, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he sacrificed his life next.” Tony’s words were starting to slur. He went to read the label on the large bottle he just emptied, but his clumsiness knocked it onto the floor, shattering the bottle completely. “Shit!” Vision went to start cleaning it immediately. In the back of his mind, Tony could hear Steve saying “Language!”

This team was heading to falling apart. The Avengers are currently split and no one completely trusts them now, much less the United Nations. And without Captain America, he didn’t see the team going well. And the Accords were not going to help relations at all. The base was so,  _ empty  _ now. Most of the others were at Vienna still. Asgard knew where Thor and Bruce were now. Clint actually did retire after the accords were introduced. Rhodey went back to work directly with the military. Wanda was here with Vision under a strict watch. They convinced her to sign the accords, but she was very hesitant, in fact Vision had to force her to sign her name. After she did, she ended up running off and crying with Vision chasing after her. Tony knew even though these two were in the base now, he did not think they were in any mood to be “Earth’s mightiest heroes” anytime soon. The UN wanted her and everyone else constantly monitored. 

_ It all goes back to the damn UN.  _ He tried to get up from the counter seat but slumped to the ground. Wanda quickly jumped off her chair and dropped to his side. “You know what. Bring me to the couch. As soon as I wake up, I’m starting my search.” Wanda sighed but helped Tony to the couch with aid from Vision anyway. They let Tony get comfortable on the couch before walking away to finish the mess in the kitchen and attempt to comprehend the situation at hand. Tony barely had time to think about his next master plan for his next mission because he was out cold immediately. 


	11. Jokes

2 WEEKS LATER (STEVE)

    Steve wandered past the stands examining and observing the wonderful colors and smells and tastes all packed into multiple carts with bright tents to cover them from the sun all down the smooth road. The Romanian Market was quite a beautiful place. Loud and crowded, but that made it even easier to blend. The sun was bright, giving him and Bucky the perfect excuse to wear their caps and sunglasses. Honestly, no one even cared to acknowledge them. People were so busy with their days and going about it in their own language. He and Bucky truly had no huge worry. Well, he was more relaxed. Bucky clinged to his arm tightly like a small child in fear of the world. He kept his head down but was still mentally scanning every inch of his surroundings. Even with being literally attached to Steve and seeing everything, he still tried to get himself as close to Steve as possible. Steve did not mind Bucky being close and holding on to him; it gave him reassurance that he wouldn’t lose him again. But it bothered him how Bucky was acting. He was nervous. He was scared. Steve tried to hurry them along so they wouldn’t have to be there much longer. Maybe it was just so many people in one place; being bumped into every few seconds by people walking at a normal place, people shouting just to be heard, children screaming at their parents, it was chaos. It was stressful. The sooner they get back to their quiet apartment the better. 

    While Bucky had both arms attached to Steve, hanging from those arms was all the groceries they had bought from the modern day grocery store and a few fresh foods they had gotten at this market. There was one more thing the needed and they needed much of it. Steve spotted the stand and tugged Bucky through all the people to get to the stand. It was a fruit stand. As soon as Bucky saw all the plums, he let out a small amount of the breath he had been holding in. Steve knew about his attempt in fixing his memory with plums, and he Googled that plums should actually help a lot. Steve tapped Bucky on the hand, who in response slowly raised up his head to the old man behind the fruit and starting chatting with him in Romanian. The man gave him a curious look, but after Bucky followed up with some foreign comment, the man smiled and put 30 plums in two bags. Steve knew that would be expensive, but they had the money for it now and he knew it may help Bucky a very tiny bit, but it will make him feel better knowing he’s trying. Steve handed Bucky the Romanian cash and after a few minutes of counting Bucky handed the proper amount to the old man, gaining the two heavy bags of plums in return with a small amount of change. The old man said something with a smile, and Steve guessed by the tone that it was heavily filled with sarcasm. Bucky laughed lightly and replied with another sarcastic sounding remark and he and the old man started laughing together. Steve laughed awkwardly with them. Bucky quickly shouted “La revedere sa aveti o zi placuta!” (Goodbye, have a lovely day!)  to the man, who responded back slowly with a smile and nod, and soon after Bucky edged Steve away from the stand, swiftly wrapping his arms back around Steve’s arm. The two made their way back up the street as quickly as possible. As soon as they exited the market boundaries and the crowd died down, Bucky let go of Steve’s arm and let Steve take some of the extra bags. He still remained very close to his side and was constantly moving his eyes around with only the smallest movements of his head. Steve couldn’t help but be impressed by his observing skills, but he still wanted Bucky to feel more comfortable. He noticed Bucky wanted to move fast, and he didn’t blame him. 

They speed walked down the sidewalk until they finally came up to their apartment. They hurried up the stairs to the top floor and Steve already had the key out. He hit the top and quickly unlocked the door, letting him and Bucky hurry inside. They went through the process of sorting all the food and other things they bought while undressing their day clothes and taking turns changing into comfortable clothing. It was not even noon, but they were already wanting to spend the rest of their day doing nothing. Steve stubbornly tried to fit every single piece of fruit into their refrigerator for about five minutes. Once he finally fit everything along with all the other cold foods, he headed to the living room to lay on the couch and maybe cuddle with Bucky. He immediately saw it would be difficult but necessary. Bucky sat in the corner of the couch curled up into a ball with his head tucked into his knees. 

Steve sat down on the opposite corner. “Hey, Buck. What’s up?” He received no reply. Bucky barely even shifted. “Bucky, can you tell me what’s up?” There was a slight shift now, but still barely made a difference. Steve sighed, “Bucky, please, you have to tell me what’s bothering you. If you don’t wanna talk now, at least let me hold you or something.” This got Bucky to slightly look up. His eyes were brimming with tears. “Talking can wait if you want. Just please come over here. Let me hold you.” Bucky’s gaze went down to his feet and slowly back up to Steve’s eyes. Steve held out his arms, and Bucky slowly shifted from his little ball form over to join Steve. Steve practically scooped him up into his arms and cuddled Bucky’s head to his to chest. It didn’t take long for the tears to fall freely. Steve relaxed into the corner of the couch and rubbed circles down Bucky’s back as tears ran down his chest. He stretched his legs onto the rest of the couch and Bucky slowly adjusted in his lap. He was not crying as hard as he does after a night mare, but Steve was still concerned nonetheless. At least he wasn’t shaking too violently and he seemed very oddly relaxed. Steve grabbed the blanket he left on the couch and, without removing his hold on Bucky, wrapped the blanket around the poor creature cuddled up to him. The blanket had only been on him for a few minutes when Bucky had quieted down. 

    “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare.” Steve snapped. This made Bucky jump slightly, but Steve quickly laid his lips on Bucky’s cheek to calm him down. “There’s nothing more for you to apologise for.”

“I just don’t know what came over me. That’s the first time I’ve talked to someone. Like, a civilian, someone that didn’t know me, just a street vendor. It just feels a little weird.”

Steve sat there with Bucky in silence. He really had to think about it but Bucky was right. When was the last time he held a friendly conversation with some random person that had no clue who he was or cared to know what he’d done? “You did good Buck. Very good.”

“You think he noticed anything at all?” Bucky pulled away and looked at the draped window. “Anyone could be a spy working for the United Nations. Or Hydra.”

“Ok now you’re getting a bit too paranoid. Yes we’re supposed to be hiding and being careful, but not everyone is onto us.”

Bucky kept looking out the window. This was a new problem. Bucky already has memory issues, PTSD, and the worst case of depression ever, but recently he’s just been paranoid. He’s been paranoid about literally everything; anyone in public being a spy, anyone recognizing them ready to turn them in, anyone in this complex that passes outside their window,Scott Lang a tiny bit, and in one case their food from the grocery store being poisoned, thanks to one plum being slightly rotted making Bucky refuse to eat anything for 4 days. Steve finally looked out the window and noticed a very faint shadow slightly moving outside. Someone was right outside their apartment. The shadow person didn’t stay long and was gone very quickly. “Bucky, please breather.”

He finally let out a breath. “Steve, they stood out there way too long staring in here.”

“Maybe it was someone that was lost, maybe it was that guy next door that gets drunk a lot being all confused, maybe just some kid seeing if he can find people doing weird things, Bucky, you’re very tense right now.”

“Yes, I know, I don’t know what to think. A bullet could always make me feel better.”

Steve stopped breathing. Bucky finally looked back at him and saw his reaction. “Steve hold on you know I wouldn’t do it.”

“You tried to. Several times” Steve’s voice cracked.

“That was without you around. Steve I’m sorry I didn’t mean it.” Bucky was the one to latch onto Steve now. “Stevie please I’m so sorry I didn’t think about that I really didn’t mean it-”

Many thoughts ran through him, mostly of anger. “I’m helping you I can and you still just wanna end it?” he said harshly.

Bucky grabbed Steve’s waist tighter and placed his head onto his chest. “Steve I really mean it I thought it could be a joke but-”

“A joke?” Steve pushed Bucky backwards. “Bucky I’m giving literally everything for you and you still want to just leave? What about our shit of being together til the end? We can end it if that’s what you want. Make my life much easier!” Bucky stood up from the couch backing away from Steve as if he were a bomb. “Can I even trust you? You’re so good at lying and you’ve never been. How the hell was I ever supposed to trust you?!”

Bucky quickly took off to the bedroom and Steve heard the door slam. He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands so he could breathe. His eyes and throat burned. He wanted to scream more but that would worsen Bucky and the neighbors would surely react. Dammit! Steve got up and ran to the bedroom

(BUCKY)

    He sat on the bed, not crying, not screaming, not yelling, just silent. He’d seen Steve angry, and if he was that loud it was usually for a dumb reason. Bucky had just made a “joke” about ending his life. He knew damn well he was the joke, but Steve refused to ever see that. That seemed ready to change now

    Bucky was ready to jump out the tiny bedroom window when he heard knocking. “Hey, Bucky, please let me in I need to apologise.”

    Without hesitation Bucky opened the door and wrapped himself around Steve, kissing his cheek and shoulder. After several pecks he leaned his head in Steve’s chest, who happily accepted, and said “I’m sorry. For what I said. I just didn’t think about what I was saying. I really didn’t mean it. You know I still question life but you’re the force keeping me from doing that.

    Steve held him back tighter. “Bucky I’m so sorry I got scared but I let it come out bad. I didn’t mean anything I said either. I don’t want you doing anything to hurt yourself and I really care about you and I’ll help you to the best of what I’ve got.”

    In a few shifts the both had the door closed, light off, and blankets engulfing them in the bed. They held onto each other and remained silent for a bit. Steve was stroking Bucky’s hair so Bucky went to rub his still arm. 

    “How ‘bout we forget that just happened.” Steve suggested.

    “Done.” Bucky finished.

    Steve shifted so his head was above Bucky’s and gave him one quick peck before he was completely out. Wow Steve tired much? Bucky was now cramped and warm, but this feeling was awesome. New, something he would have never known with Hydra. Something he still didn’t want to accept he deserved. But he accepted Steve’s warmth and touch. He felt relaxed. He felt safe. And he most surely felt worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK! HERE YOU GO ALL YOU GUYS AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE KEEPING WITH ME. Hope no one is too upset with me

**Author's Note:**

> Leave comments I'll appreciate them!


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